Tectonic Tact

January 26, 2010

So the Grand Poohba in Venezuela Hugo Chavez says the US used a “tectonic weapon” to cause the earthquake in Haiti.  Right…  maybe he just got around to watching The Core starring Hillary Swank on cable.

Obviously Chavez doesn’t read Renal Failure, because if he did he’d know that earthquakes are actually caused by gay people.  Now I’m not familiar with the Haitian gay population, or Haiti in general, but one thing I do know is there’s a lot of AIDS on that half of the island of Hispanola (What’s on the other half, the Dominican Republic?  Decent baseball players).

So was this the first recorded AIDSquake in history?  Signs point to “no,” as places with higher AIDS infection rates like Swaziland and South Africa and Freddie Mercury’s house have not yet been hit with catastrophic earthquakes.  “Answer Hazy: Try Again Later,” however,  is the answer we got to the question of whether an entire nation stomping their feet to “We Will Rock You” by Queen can cause an earthquake.  So you’re not out of the woods yet Mr. Mercury, despite your being dead for almost two decades.

As to Pat Robertson’s assertion that the earthquake was a further cursed dividend from “a pact with the devil” Haitians made 200 years ago to drive the French out, we would like to ask when did the devil get the power to cause earthquakes?  When the devil learn to control the primal forces of nature?  What is the point of demonic possession when you can summon the earth to open?  Or is this a case of God kicking someone while they’re down because he’s got a 200-year old grudge?  You know, for someone’s who ominpotent and omnipresent and supposedly full of forgiveness, God can be really insecure and petty.  Clarification is needed.

Other than plate tectonics, there is only one other thing we know that causes the earth to shake, and that is Tag Larkin in the act of love.  When Tag Larkin is done banging you, the UN sends in humanitarian aid.



  1. the tectonic weapon was what George Bush got in HIS pact with the devil. the devil doesn’t punish. he gives candy, pussy, eternal youth and all that… Chavez is snorting up too much of his own press…

  2. ‘You know, for someone’s who ominpotent and omnipresent and supposedly full of forgiveness, God can be really insecure and petty.’

    Thats perfect reasoning for the god is a chick arguement though…

  3. What do i have to do to get Tag Larkin’s attention?

  4. I think you’re really on to something here. I’m going to buy Obama a magic eight ball for his birthday, for those really tough questions.

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