Placeholder ageJanuary 28, 2010
“Does anything interesting happen when you turn 31?” I ask, because today is my birthday and that’s my age.
“Not really, no,” says Anonymous Doug. Today we are drinking some pints of Pants on the Ground Porter. It’s 15% alcohol and guaranteed to have you looking like a fool with your pants on the ground. “But you can’t reach the next age of significance without going through 31, so it’s just there to be stepped on.”
“It’s a minor character who gets killed off to move the story along for the major characters,” I say.
“Yeah, 31 is the dead body that’s found at the beginning of Law and Order, or CSI, or Everybody Loves Raymond,” says Anonymous Doug. “And that sets everything else in motion for the next hour.”
“They didn’t kill people on Everybody Loves Raymond,” I say.
“They did when I was watching it,” says Anonymous Doug. “I was on peyote and mushrooms at the time, but I distinctly remember seeing Ray Romano murder someone to start every episode. Except for that one time when Peter Boyle strangled a boy scout to begin the show. Oh, how we laughed.”
“So I shouldn’t be disappointed if nothing of note happens while I’m 31?” I say.
“Well, you’re alive, that’s notable considering you thought you wouldn’t live to see 30,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Yeah, I was sure something would have gotten me by now,” I say. “Some sort of rare cancer, a car accident, a bloody armed standoff with the police…”
“A flash flood, someone stabbing you in the midst of a heated argument, breaking the lonely weight of unbearable depression and swallowing a bunch of pills…” Anonymous Doug continues my line of thought. “Yeah, I would have thought one of them would have gotten you before now.”
“You remember that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where there was that time anomaly and that alternate timeline where Tasha Yar who had been killed off a couple seasons back was still alive but everything else was fucked up for the Federation?” I say. “And the only one who knows everything’s fucked up is Whoopi Goldberg?”
“No, because I get laid,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Regardless, Tasha has this cool line where she tells Captain Picard ‘I’m not supposed to be here, I’m supposed to be dead,'” I say. “And then she goes back in time to the point everything got fucked up to get killed and everything goes back to how it was before.”
“Your point?” says Anonymous Doug.
“Ever get that feeling? That you’re not supposed to be here?” I say.
“All the time,” says Anonymous Doug. “Which is why I don’t feel bad doing whatever I do. Like putting that webcam in my hot neighbor’s bathroom. Or getting a blumpkin in a bus station bathroom from a teenage runaway trying to get herself enough cash to get a ticket to Oregon. Whatever. If I’m not supposed to be here, I might as well have fun trespassing.”
I think that’s what I’ll call 31… the trespassing year.