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Surviving a Ninja Encounter Merit Badge

January 29, 2010

This is the time of year when they sell Girl Scout Cookies.  Ninja Vicki looks forward to this, as she has a scary affinity for the Peanut Butter Patties (aka Tag-a-longs).  And I have to agree with her, they’re like crack, heroin, and crystal meth all wrapped up into a yummy cookie.  So I have to make sure I get to the Girl Scouts selling them before Ninja Vicki does because she will take those Girl Scouts for every last box.  And woe to the Girl Scout who doesn’t have any Peanut Butter Patties on her when Vicki finds her.

“Where the fuck are those Peanut Butter Patties?”  Ninja Vicki yells at a pigtailed Girl Scout while holding her at sword point.

“I’m out of them,” says the frightened Girl Scout.  “I have Samoas though.”

Ninja Vicki swats the box of Samoas out of the Girl Scout’s hand.  “Samoas?  Fucking Samoas?  Is this some sort of sick joke?  I want chocolate and peanut butter, not fucking coconut, you cookie-peddling future stripper of America.  Coconut is bullshit.  Piss on coconut and piss on you for thinking I’d settle for that.”

In the face of great difficulty and mortal danger, The Girl Scout perserveres.  “I also have-”

“Thin Mints?”  Ninja Vicki says, holding her blade on the Girl’s Scout neck.  “Go on.  Say it.  Say Thin Mints.  Say fucking Thin Mints.  I dare you.  I double-dog-fucking dare you mother cock fucker!   Let me hear you say Thin Mints.”

The Girl Scout goes silent.

“Thin Mints can suck a cheetah’s ass,”  Ninja Vicki continues.  “I don’t want mint with my fucking chocolate.  Get this throughyour  beret, you syphilitic whore of tomorrow, I want peanut butter with my chocolate.  Fuck mint.  Fuck mint in its eye with a razor-wire cock.  You try to push Thin Mints on me and you’re going to find out what your gall bladder taste like.”

“But I’m out of Tag-a-Longs.”  The Girl Scout has now begun to cry.

“Well, fucking crying about it isn’t going to put those yummy cookies in my belly now is it?”  Ninja Vicki says.  “You march your ass back to your Girl Scout superiors and you get me a goddamn pallet of Peanut Butter Patties or you’re going to find out how hard getting your archery badge is when you don’t have any fucking arms.  Savvy?”

As I watch the Girl Scout run away, I ponder whether I should have intervened and given Ninja Vicki a few of the ten boxes of Peanut Butter Patties I had bought to hold her over.  But the only way anyone is getting my Peanut Butter Patties is to pry them out of my cold dead mouth. 

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3 comments

  1. I’ve always felt Ninja Vicki and I were connected in some way, and now I know why. Bitch eats my Tagalongs.


  2. although i am no Ninja Vicki, i am inspired to blow the dust off of my Xena sword and treat the next green-uniformed cookie pimp to her “surviving a crazy assed middle aged woman with a sword” merit badge… this was inspired.


  3. Are they as good as Reese’s Peanut butter cups? If so, can you send me some?



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