He-Man and the Masters of the West Bank

February 3, 2010

So lots of people were watching the season premiere of the last season of Lost this week.  I wasn’t because to me there’s really only one thing on television that’s worth watching, and that’s Palestinian children’s programming courtesy of Hamas.

We’ve already reveled in the jaunty fun of Farfour the mouse (who was beaten to death by the Israeli police), the joyous escapades of Nahoul the bee (who died of an illness because Israeli blockades wouldn’t allow him to get the medicine he needed), and Assud the jew-eating rabbit (who according to Wikipedia was killed in some sort of Israeli bombing run).  Now we’re getting actual Palestinian cartoons.  Apparently Hamas stole themselves a copy of Flash.

Again, Mikka wasn’t around to watch with me, because why watch Palestinian cartoons when you’re dating a samurai?  So I got Tina the Lesbian to come over and see what Hamas has been doing with their animation department.

“So it’s just Israelis killing Palestinian children?”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“No, it’s Israeli children killing Palestinian children,”  I say.  “This is a kids’ show, remember.”

“This is some fucked up shit,”  says Tina the Lesbian, jaw hanging open as more Palestinian kids get gunned down in animated form.

“It’s certainly not up to the low standards of 1970’s Hanna-Barbera cartoons, that’s for sure,”  I say.  “This makes Scooby-Doo look like Beauty and the Beast.  But I will say, it’s better than Clutch Cargo.”

“I don’t care if it looks better than a damn Pixar movie,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “This is horrible, horrible stuff.”

“You’re right, they need to make it look more like anime,”  I say.  “Giant robots and women in impossibly skimpy outfits.”

“I was talking about the children getting shot,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “This is awful.”

“Maybe the Hamas artists can at least use the anime style of drawing,”  I say.  “The Na’vi in Avatar all have those big anime eyes and people felt bad when they got shot up.”

“They’re not trying to drum up sympathy, they’re trying to create a new generation of martyrs for their anti-semetic cause,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Yeah, I’d probably blow myself up too if I were a child and this was the height of animation where I lived,”  I say.  “But I will say they’re way beyond the 80’s G.I. Joe cartoon.   No one ever got shot on that show, and you’d always see people in vehicles jump out just before their plane or tank or jeep got blown up.  Come on, a show about an American military group fighting an international terrorist organization and no one gets killed?  These Palestinian kids are way ahead of us when it comes to introducing the concepts of life and death in cartoons.  We had to wait for the Transformers movie.”

“They don’t need cartoons for that in Gaza,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “They can just walk outside and see it.”

“So you’re saying if America had decades of rampant sectarian violence in our streets then we would have had better cartoons growing up?”  I say.

Tina the Lesbian excuses herself from my living room and walks back to her house.  Apparently lesbians do not like cartoons, or discussions about them.



  1. you’d think they could use a little of the ‘roadrunner/coyote’ violence. little palestinian school kids buying grenade launchers from Acme would be sweet…

  2. Also, most of the fights were between members of GI Joe and COBRA’s army of androids so that, even when someone got blown up or their limbs torn off, it was just a robot, not an actual person.

    • And with that, Thomas has provided Renal Failure with its 3,000th comment. Ninja Vicki will sneak into your house later and steal something random.

  3. Remember the first time you saw Pulp Fiction and they played Clutch Cargo in the background, and you were all like, “What the fuck is that crazy shit going on there?” except it was 1995 and you hadn’t heard of the internet yet, so you asked like, everyone over the age of forty about “that one cartoon where characters had real people mouths” and the only person who remembered was your ex-marine uncle who never married and grew up to be a pit boss in Vegas, and all your friends thought you were lying when you insisted it was an actual real show, and people started making fun of you and saying things like, “Bossy Rossi built a house of lies” and stuff like that which totally made you cry? Because that’s what happened to me.

    • No, my parents had actually seen Clutch Cargo, and Clutch Cargo was a regular reference on MST3K, so I didn’t have to go through that sort of trauma when that scene in Pulp Fiction came up.

      But we did put a friend through that trauma. He kept saying he remembered some cartoon from the 80’s that no one else saw. Said the show was called Zone Riders and we kept saying it didn’t exist, he was crazy, and that he made up the whole show up because he was lonely. Drove him mad. Years later thanks to the Internet he found the show, actual show title called Spiral Zone (the Zone Riders were the good guys). He let us know about that… very hard.

      • Hard?…. Who’s talking about Hard…..?

  4. […] Ninja Vicki.  “Look what’s happened just this month.  Mikka’s bailed out on watching Palestinian children’s programming with you.  He bailed on you when you needed a consult on the topic of Dungeons and Dragons and […]

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