“Bag of Holding” means something different in prisonFebruary 5, 2010
In a recent court ruling, it was decided that it was not a constitutional violation for prisons to ban the playing of Dungeons and Dragons in their correctional institutions. From the New York Times article…
Dungeons & Dragons could “foster an inmate’s obsession with escaping from the real-life correctional environment, fostering hostility, violence and escape behavior,” prison officials said in court. That could make it more difficult to rehabilitate prisoners and could endanger public safety, they said.
“Now from what I know about D&D, isn’t it that the adventurers are going into the dungeon, rather than trying to escape from it?” I say. “Because that’s where all the treasure and adventure is?”
“True, but they eventually come out of the dungeon, unless slain by a basilisk or bear owl,” says Psycho Dave. I had to consult him for this story as my usual expert on such matters Mikka is out with his girlfriend Samurai Cathy again. Plus Psycho Dave was in my kitchen trying to mate bacon with brocolli to create the greatest vegetable ever: bacolli.
“I would think prison officials would be happy to have their inmates doing something peaceful like Dungeons and Dragons,” I say. “Instead of all the other stuff that inmates do in prison to pass the time, like raping and stabbing each other.”
“You can make a shiv out of a 20-sided die,” says Psycho Dave. “Real easy. Hell, you can slit a man’s throat with a coin. I did it when I was in the can with Andy Dufresne. And Red.”
“That’s the Shawshank Redemption,” I say. “You never went to prison.”
“But I did kill a man with a 20-sided die,” says Psycho Dave. “I was all, “oh, did I fail my saving throw?’ And then it was all, wham! And I slit your throat, and now there’s a new Dungeon Master in town.”
“Do you think they’d let that Magic the Gathering card game into prison instead?” I say.
“Depends on their policy of playing cards,” says Psycho Dave. “I cut a man’s head off with the Nine of Spades once.”
“No you didn’t,” I say.
“This was at the other prison I was in, when I was in that gang, the Securities and Exchange Crips.” says Psycho Dave. “We only raped white collar criminals. Some guy took my little embezzler bitch and I had to regulate. And his friends were all ‘Hey, you you’re gonna pay for cutting off Tyrone’s head,” and I was all “Oh yeah, well I got a Six of Clubs, a Queen of Hearts, a Two of Diamonds, and a Four of Hearts waiting for your asses. Oh, and by the way, I fold because this is the shittiest poker hand I’ve ever seen.'”
“You’ve never been to prison,” I say again.
“Used to have to sleep with an UNO deck under my pillow in those days,” says Psycho Dave. “Never knew when some punk ass trying to make a name for himself would come at you with the thimble from Monopoly. You’d get a Draw Four Wild in your neck for that. Rich Uncle Pennybags ain’t got shit on me.”
“It’s like you went to Milton Bradley Penitentiary,” I say.
“And that’s probably why they banned Dungeons and Dragons,” says Psycho Dave. “Big Board Game owns our prison system. Their dominance will not be challenged by elven rogues, ice wyverns, and +5 charisma-granting Rings of Charm.”
“But Hasbro owns Wizards of the Coast, which owns Dungeons and Dragons,” I say. “And Hasbro owns Milton Bradley and Parker Brothers.”
“You are like AIDS at a wedding,” says Psycho Dave. “Do you like crushing people’s dreams? Did you ever think that maybe it helps me get through the day if I believe the self-constructed fable that board game manufacuturers run our prison system?”
“Your fragile grasp of sanity is not dependant on the belief that prisons are run by the manufacturers of Jenga,” I say.
“I shoved a Jenga block through a man’s skull once,” says Psycho Dave. “That was when I was in that POW camp in Vietnam with Robert DeNiro and Christopher Walken.”
We all need a fantasy world to escape to for a few minutes, or hours, or every waking second.