Do these pants make Skynet look fat?

February 9, 2010

A friend of mine in the flesh world made me aware of a project to make robots that can keep itself fueled and energized by eating.

“It can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable.”

Now some people may panic over the prospect of robots being able to eat organic material or fuel itself autonomously, free of any human dependency.  They may be fearful that these are the first steps toward the robots rising up and exterminating humanity.  But I am not one of those people, and it’s not just because my drinking buddy is a half-cyborg cat who’s married to a nice Irish girl. 

If we can program robots to eat, we can program them to feel shameful about how much they eat, just like how we do to humans.  Well, mostly women.  We can give the robots bad body images and low self esteem by calling them fatties.  And the crushing realization that they cannot live up to the unreasonable aesthetic expectations of society will depress them enough to where they will excessively exercise and stop eating, thus canceling out their genocidal urge to purge the Earth of humanity.  Or they’ll commit suicide.  Whatever.  The point is, digital anorexia will be our best weapon against the eater robots.

Note: Digital bulimia will not work, as it requires the robot to binge and purge, meaning robots will still eat people but then throw them up.  Unacceptable. 

Yes, I came up with this plan with the help of Lance Patriarchy, the living embodiment of male dominance and oppression, because unattainable standards of beauty and shaming people who don’t meet them is one of his favorite things to do.  So when the robots don’t eat you and your family because you will all go right to their mechanical thighs and then no one will love them and they’ll be sad flabby worthless sacks of lard, I would hope you have the decency to send a thank you card to Lance Patriarchy for saving your life, even though it’s by the same means he uses to make your life miserable.  He finds that sort of irony delicious, but you can’t have any of it Fattison Square Garden! 

Now all we have to do is hope no one teaches the robots how to generate self-esteem and self-worth on their own and we’ll be good…


  1. DARPA. Inventing the future for only a billion dollars a week…

  2. God bless that amazing Lance Patriarchy. I’d have been eaten by countless of the mechanical fuckers without him.

  3. What’s his address? I’ve got just the card…..

  4. Some day, I will resolve all of my self-esteem issues and beat the crap out of Mr. Patriarchy.

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