Equality through kicks to the crotch

February 10, 2010

We came across an awesome blog post/article recently called “What Pregnant Women Won’t Tell You.  Ever.”  There’s a wealth of information in there, but one thing in particular got our attention.  And surprisingly it wasn’t the part where women shit the bed while giving birth.

As Skepchick puts it: “That crazy sudden pain that almost made you collapse? That feeling that someone just sent an electric fireball down your vagina and through your legs? That, my dear, was your sweet little baby kicking you in the cervix.”

My question: Is it possible to kick a woman in the cervix from the outside?

When it comes to fighting and self-defense, my strength is destroying groins because I am a dirty fighter.  The groin shot is great equalizer against men, but there is not a lot of research about its effectiveness on women.  Sure, it doesn’t tickle getting kicked in the cooch, but it doesn’t have the same debilitating effect that it does when a man gets slammed in the yam bag. 

The cervix kick, if possible from outside the womb, is a game changer to a game we haven’t even invented yet.  I don’t even know why or when I would perform a cervix kick, but I’m excited just to have it as an option.  It’s like why people are so giddy about the iPad. They don’t have a clue what they’d do with it but damned if they won’t be the first in line to buy one.

Maybe if some crazy Jersey Shore broad came flying at me with harmful intentions, I could subdue her with a cervix kick instead of punching her in the face or hitting her with a chair.  Doesn’t leave a mark and I doubt she’d get up from it, thus effectively neutralizing the threat without spilling any blood.

I’m not sure if cervix kick works as a good name for the move though.  Doesn’t roll off the tongue like “nut shot” does.  Maybe Boot to the Babymaker, or the Abortinator, or the Miscarrier.

We would like government funds to continue our important kick-to-the-cervix research, because we can tell that volunteers are going to be hard to come by.



  1. And this is why it’s possible for a dick to be TOO DAMN LONG, and when I say this to guys who are apparently more interested in proving something than actually showing a girl a good time, their eyes glaze over and they don’t believe me.

    If that’s not TMI.

  2. technique would be very tricky. special boots, perhaps?

  3. Cervix Kick would be a great name for a band

  4. I’m not sure what the rules are to fighting dirty but I’ve always found “Shoot on sight,” works for me.

  5. Now, leave it to me to bring this even lower but I’ve always been partial to the term ‘cunt punt’… while not technically the same thing in a bind the name would get the job done.

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