Tag Larkin vs. The Winter Killstorms of FebruaryFebruary 11, 2010
“Tag Larkin will clear your snow,” says Tag Larkin, standing hip deep in snow.
And while that is mighty kind of Tag Larkin, considering the blizzards we’ve been hit with two weeks in a row, I am still wary of taking Tag Larkin up on his offer.
“You’re holding a flamethrower,” I say, standing by my front door.
“Tag Larkin knows snow’s weakness,” says Tag Larkin. “Tag Larkin will destroy your snow for five hundred dollars.”
“And here we see why no one clears snow with a flamethrower,” I say. “The upkeep and fuel costs are excessive and not worth the expense.”
“Shovels only empower the snow,” says Tag Larkin. “Tag Larkin will send a message that the snow will never forget. ”
“Snow is not sentient,” I say. “You cannot strike fear into the heart of snow.”
“Of course not, for snow is cold and unfeeling,” says Tag Larkin. “That’s why Tag Larkin speaks the only language snow understands. Fire and pain.”
“You’re going to set my house on fire with that thing,” I say. “Or at least set the telephone pole on fire, which will then either fall on my house or fall across the street and smash my neighbor’s car.”
“Tag Larkin says you can’t make an omelet without having sex with a girl on a burning couch,” says Tag Larkin.
“Do you know whose house really needs a flamethrowing more than mine?” I say. “Ninja Vicki’s.”
Fact: Ninjas do not like snow. It leaves footprints and it’s hard to hide in. So Ninja Vicki does not shovel her driveway or her sidewalk; she just usually threatens some kids to do it for her.
“Tag Larkin is through with Ninja Vicki,” says Tag Larkin. “She has played games with Tag Larkin’s heart, games that Tag Larkin does not enjoy. Like Operation.”
“Well, Tina the Lesbian could always use a hand,” I say. “Maybe you give her a free sample so she’ll be more willing to pay you for your services.”
Tag Larkin tips his cap to me and goes down the block to Tina’s place. He gets a few blasts of his flamethrower off before Tina the Lesbian comes running outside to stop him. She won’t have to worry about those azalea bushes anymore.