Year of the Bitter TigerFebruary 17, 2010
I’m watching women’s Olympic ice hockey because I like women and I like ice hockey and adding the two together seems like good math. Anyway, while I’m doing that, Ninja Vicki climbs in through my window.
“Hey, where have you been?” Ninja Vicki says to me. “You haven’t been around the last couple times I’ve snuck into your house to steal Girl Scout cookies.”
“I go into hiding on Valentine’s Day,” I say. “Keeps me from yelling at couples to die in a fire.”
“Because Chinese New Year fell on Valentine’s Day this year,” says Ninja Vicki. “Guess who Mikka took to Hedvig’s Chinese Buffet instead of you? Here’s a hint: her name rhymes with Hamurai Hathy.”
“You still follow them around on their dates?” I say.
“When you have a blood enemy, you keep constant tabs on them,” says Ninja Vicki. “The point is, what I told you two years ago has come true. Mikka’s selling you out for his girlfriend. You’ve become unnecessary.”
Now the last time Ninja Vicki pulled this on me, I was able to shrug it off with the realistic assessment that the availability of your friends goes down when they start dating. However, the news that Mikka took Samurai Cathy to Hedvig’s Chinese/Finnish buffet instead of me for Chinese New Year’s (which we had made for the last four years straight) combined with the usual bitterness I feel around this time of year, making Ninja Vicki’s argument more compelling than usual.
“You’re actually right for a change,” I say. “There was no reason for Mikka not to invite me for lunch, with or without Samurai Cathy joining us.”
“You’ve been demoted to an accessory,” says Ninja Vicki. “An afterthought. The director’s commentary on a DVD. You’re now just another condiment to their hot dog, to be added or left out at their whim.”
“I am not ketchup!” I say.
“You’re not even Branston Pickle,” says Ninja Vicki. “Look what’s happened just this month. Mikka’s bailed out on watching Palestinian children’s programming with you. He bailed on you when you needed a consult on the topic of Dungeons and Dragons and prisons. Where does it end? I’ll tell you where. They’ll get married and you’ll be relegated to the single friend they call when they want to momentarily taste the care-free life again. And it will be fun until they have turn in early to get some fucking in and you get thrown back to the cold howling solitude that is your life.”
“I’m the sit-com bachelor friend of the married main characters? Noooooo!” I say.
“The nerve of Mikka to do that to you,” says Ninja Vicki. “Retribution is in order.”
“Well, I’m certainly not inviting Mikka over to watch Olympic curling later today, that’s for sure,” I say.
“No… I was thinking of something along the lines of me killing Samurai Cathy,” says Ninja Vicki. “But okay, fine, maybe we have to work up to that point. I just need you to stay nice and bitter at everyone who has what you don’t have.”
“Well that shouldn’t be a problem,” I say. “I’ve got a bitterness surplus.”
Ninjas are masters of their environment, physical or emotional.