Your transgressions will be held in escrowFebruary 18, 2010
So I’m down at the bar with Anonymous Doug and Tina the Lesbian watching women’s Olympic curling. Statistically speaking, more lesbians watch curling than women’s pro or college basketball. And by statistically speaking I mean I just made that up, but you don’t know if what I’ve said is right or wrong either so shut up.
“So Mikka sold me out of our yearly Chinese New Year buffet run,” I tell them. “He went with Samurai Cathy instead because it was Valentine’s Day.”
“You’re talking to wrong guy about honoring traditions,” says Anonymous Doug. “Since everyone forgets about me when I leave the room I can’t have a yearly, monthly, or weekly event with anyone.”
Doug then pumps his fist in the air and cheers at the curling on the TV. “YEAH! PUT IT IN THE HOUSE!”
“But that is messed up on Mikka’s part,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Though not uncommon. The amount of times I’ve had lesbian friends disappear on me once they found someone, it’s – hold on – COME ON! SWEEP THAT SHIT! SWEEP LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER! DAMN IT!”
“Fuck, the US is just giving this match away,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Should I come back when the curling match is over?” I say.
“No, we’re good as long as we time everything between throws,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Anyway, the point is that this sort of thing with your dating friends is to be expected, and as such is not beyond a measure of control that can be played to your advantage.”
“How so?” I say.
“Guilt,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Mikka has clearly committed a major faux pas here, so now you have a marker on him. And when the time to cash it in, if he’s truly your friend, he’ll honor it.”
“So you’re saying Mikka owes me a favor for ditching our yearly buffet run at Hedvig’s Chinese/Finnish buffet?” I say.
“Not necessarily a favor, but you can at least guarantee his presence at some other event,” says Tina the Lesbian. “And if he refuses that he – OH WHAT IS THAT? WHERE THE HELL WAS THAT STONE GOING? MOTHERFUCKER!”
“We are so behind as a nation when it comes to curling,” Anonymous Doug says, shaking his head.
“Anyway, if Mikka refuses that then you either have a second marker on him or you just designate him as an asshole and you don’t bother with him anymore,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Life is too short for absentee friends pulling shit like that. That’s why I like hanging with Doug. He’s dependable.”
“How can a man you forget about as soon as he leaves the room be dependable?” I say.
“You think we could get these curling broads to wear those Erin Grey from Buck Rogers bodysuits?” says Anonymous Doug. “Because if you could, then I think women’s curling would be the hottest Olympic event to watch. Even more than figure skating because these curling chicks actually have tits. Zipped down a little, show some awesome cleavage as they slide. That’s some hot shit right there.”
“Because I can depend on forgetting him and the things that come out of his mouth,” says Tina the Lesbian.
I can see how that would be a great comfort.