“And you will know my name is the Lord when I give all your children autism…”February 23, 2010
My anti-depressant of choice is kitten videos, because there are no possible side effects like nausea, tremors, or increased thoughts of suicide inherent to watching a kitten fall asleep while licking its paw. So after an extended weekend of kitten videos, women’s curling, and avoiding any discussion of how much Tiger Woods really likes vagina, I finally had the energy to try and rejoin the rest of the world.
And it’s a good thing I picked now to do it because waiting for me on my doorstep was this story about Virginia state delegate Bob Marshall telling people that disabled children are God’s revenge against women who abort their first pregnancy.
“The number of children who are born subsequent to a first abortion with handicaps has increased dramatically. Why? Because when you abort the first born of any, nature takes its vengeance on the subsequent children,” said Marshall, a Republican.
“In the Old Testament, the first born of every being, animal and man, was dedicated to the Lord. There’s a special punishment Christians would suggest.”
“So, did your mom have an abortion before she had you?” I ask to my only disabled friend, local superhero Crimson Paraplegic.
“Well, I can’t ask her, she’s dead,” says Crimson Paraplegic.
“Were your parents killed in a robbery and that’s why you became a superhero?” I say.
“No, they died in a horrific six car pileup on the highway,” Crimson Paraplegic says. “The same accident that crippled me at age five. My superpowers had only developed enough at that time to allow me to be the only survivor in that crash.”
“So your disability wasn’t because a wrathful God was mad at your mom for having an abortion?” I say.
“Not to my knowledge,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Unless God was just biding his time and waiting for the right opportunity to cripple me and kill thirteen other people, including my parents, in one fell swoop. But God hasn’t been efficient like that since he killed the firstborns in Egypt.”
“So you don’t think that God is going around crippling babies, giving them cerebral palsy, or making them retarded as part of a vendetta against women who aborted their first pregnancies?” I say.
“I don’t know how much paint someone would have to huff to believe that,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “I don’t think Sherwin-Williams could manufacture enough to get me to say ‘Yeah, God totally would fuck up all your kids because you decided to get an abortion after getting knocked up at that after-prom party.””
“This sort of vengeance from God seems to contradict the message that disabled kids are a gift from God,” I say. “And they mean ‘gift’ in the good way, not like when we say that herpes is the gift that keeps on giving.”
“Yeah, punishment is not supposed to bring you joy,” says Crimson Paraplegic. “Unless you’re into getting punished. But this seems outside those dominant/submissive boundaries. I know some freaky people, but I don’t see any of them saying something like ‘I’ve been so bad. I need to punished. Give my kids muscular dystrophy in the womb.”
“Religion in general has a sort of BDSM vibe to it in general,” I say. “It sure explains why Pope John Paul II used to whip himself.”
“Yeah, but God doesn’t use safe words,” says Crimson Paraplegic.
And suddenly the universe became a more understable and kinkier place to live…