People using certain search terms will be very disappointed here

March 2, 2010

Psycho Dave is in my living room dressed like he’s part of a hotel housekeeping staff .  He’s even got the linen cart.  “We’ve got work to do,”  he says.

“I’m not cleaning up another body,”  I say. 

“No, we need to steal Bibles from hotel rooms,”  says Psycho Dave. 

“For the purpose of what?”  I say. 

“We’re going to trade them for porn,”  says Psycho Dave.

Apparently there’s an event at the University of Texas at San Antonio run by the campus atheist group where if you hand them a religious text such as a Bible or a Koran or a Talmud they will give you pornography in an attempt to generate debate about religion in society and gain new members for the Atheist Agenda club.  They call it “Smut for Smut,” as the group says “religious texts are as smutty as pornography because they contain violence and torture and spark religious wars.”  I mean, the Koran is no Caesarian Scar Sluts in Bondage: Volume 11, but your mileage may vary.

“Technically, we’re not really stealing the Bibles out of hotel rooms,”  I say.  “The Gideons throw them in there at no charge.”

“Whatever, there’s porn to be had,”  says Psycho Dave.  “You think we can get away with giving them copies of The Secret too?”

“Sure, why not?”  I say.  “I wonder if certain books will score you certain porn.”

“You mean, like a regular Bible would get you something standard like Playboy or Penthouse?”  says Psycho Dave.  “Interesting… I wonder what I’d have to hand in to get some Asian schoolgirl amputee stuff.”

“Maybe something on Zoroastrianism,”  I say. 

“Hmm… maybe they’d accept 600 King James Bibles instead,”  says Psycho Dave.   “They can build a big atheist fort out of them and have their meetings inside.  Call it The Fortress of Irony.”

“Wouldn’t it just be easier to go on the Internet Tubes to get your porn instead of masquerading as a hotel housekeeper and stealing Bibles that you would then have to take to Texas?”  I say.  “They may not even have the porn that you desire.”

“I’m getting back to my roots in analog porn, like the founders of our nation used when they invented America,”  says Psycho Dave.  “Besides, the cold pixels of the computer monitor just don’t do it for me anymore.”

“You could just print out the pictures off the Internet,”  I say. 

“The library doesn’t have a color laser printer,”  says Psycho Dave.  “But the Business Center at the Marriott downtown does.  All right, new plan!”

An hour later we’re going hotel to hotel stealing color laser printers, and for some reason ergonomic office chairs too.  I guess Psycho Dave needs better lumbar support for his wank sessions.  It’s not often someone makes a Psycho Dave plan even worse, but when you do you’re sort of obligated to see it out to the end.



  1. This has gonzo written all over it. But gonzo what, I’m not sure.

  2. Could I trade an old Bhagavad Gita for a new copy of Edward Penishands?

  3. i landed here after searching for “King James Bible Amputee Sluts”….

  4. I want one of the ergonomic office chairs, please.

  5. I was looking for “ergonomic wank”

  6. Good thing you and Psycho Dave aren’t in Japan…no bibles in the hotel rooms there. Either nothing or The Teaching of Buddha.

  7. I don’t even know where to start …

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