Tag Larkin Invites You

March 10, 2010

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp is out on the streets, keeping her pimp hand strong and other pimp-related program activities, when Tag Larkin comes up to her and hands her an envelope.

“What is this?”  says Avonia.

“Open it,”  says Tag Larkin.

“Will it explode?”  says Avonia.

“Would Tag Larkin be standing right next to you if it would?”  says Tag Larkin.

Conceding the point, Avonia opens the envelope and finds a card inside, reading in fancy looping letters “You are Invited…”  Then she opens the card and sees the rest of the message “… to get fucked by Tag Larkin.”

“You do know I’m married, right?”  Avonia says.

“Yeah,” Tag Larkin says with a shrug.

“Happily married,”  Avonia says.

“Tag Larkin doesn’t mind an audience,”  says Tag Larkin.

“No, no, no,”  Avonia says.  “You’re missing the point.  My love and devotion belong to my husband.”

“Tag Larkin doesn’t want your love and devotion,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Tag Larkin wants to let you know you’re invited to get fucked by Tag Larkin.”

“I’m not sure you’re getting what I’m saying,”  says Avonia.

“No, you’re not getting what Tag Larkin is saying,” says Tag Larkin.  “Did you know before Tag Larkin gave you that card that you could fuck Tag Larkin?”

“No, I guess I didn’t,”  says Avonia. 

“But now you do,”  says Tag Larkin.  “And so do a lot of other women too, because  Tag Larkin is out raising women’s awareness that they can get fucked by Tag Larkin.”

“I didn’t know this was a problem,”  says Avonia. 

“Every day thousands of women go about their day, unaware that they could get fucked by Tag Larkin,”  says Tag Larkin.  “It’s a tragedy, and Tag Larkin says enough is enough.”

“So why don’t the cards say ‘Are you aware you can have sex with Tag Larkin,’ rather than ‘You’re invited to have sex with Tag Larkin?”  says Avonia.

“Tag Larkin prefers bold, declarative statements,”  says Tag Larkin.

“Still, why is this an invitation rather than a declaration?”  says Avonia.

“Because invitations are for fun events,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Birthdays, weddings, graduations.  And fucking Tag Larkin more than qualifies as a fun event.  Fucking Tag Larkin is like Spring Break crammed up Mardi Gras’ ass crammed up Carnivale’s ass.  It’s a turducken of fucking.”

“Can I decline the invitation?”  says Avonia.

“You can deny yourself the chance to take advantage of the awesome opportunity Tag Larkin has given you,”  says Tag Larkin.  “But you can’t deny the fact that you’re still invited to fuck Tag Larkin.”

“So what if someone wants to take you up on this?”  says Avonia.  “I don’t see a phone number or email address on this card.”

“How does the swallow know to fly to Capistrano?”  says Tag Larkin.  “If you really want to fuck Tag Larkin, you will know how to find Tag Larkin.  You will know.”

“How many of these invitations did you make?”  says Avonia.

“Ten thousand,”  says Tag Larkin. 

And so Avonia finds that she’s far from the only person to get invited to fuck Tag Larkin.  Turns out Tina the Lesbian got an invite, despite her lesbianity.  So did Samurai Cathy, local superhero Crimson Paraplegic, and Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat’s wife Marlie.  Surprisingly Ninja Vicki did not get one, because Tag Larkin has no time for her bullshit.



  1. I once got a key drawn on a filing card with the room number of the campus’s most risible Hugh Hefner-wannabe, who had, according to his guy friends, fitted out a water bed with satin sheets and installed a gigantic (for the time) stereo system and bar in what was meant to be a suite for four guys. No one knows how he finagled it for himself. I don’t think the ploy ever worked on anybody because come the Spring dance, he and a friend were reduced to renting out a pup tent in the shrubbery to people who were scoring. Gotta pay for the satin sheets somehow, I figure.

    If only Tag Larkin had been around to show him how it’s done.

  2. Despite being happily married, I’m sitting and wondering if I would be invited.

    • You already know Tag Larkin has invited you, you just don’t know why yet.

  3. lol

  4. I know Tag Larkin wants me but I’d still like a hard copy of my invitation to a turducken of fuckin’

    Something to show the grandkids one day……

  5. I don’t mean to go around telling Tag Larking how to run his life, but if he used Helvetica instead of script, people might take him more seriously.

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