This Prom Has Too Many QueensMarch 16, 2010
So I just got back from a trip down to Atlanta that didn’t involve burning it down while I marched to the sea like the Yankee Devil I am (you’re welcome, Georgia), and I see a story about a high school in Mississippi canceling their prom because a lesbian student wanted to take her girlfriend as a date. This is in keeping with the law of nature that says school administrators will always make the dumbest decision available to them.
And as usual, the story has sent predictable shockwaves of fear through the domicile of local married couple and media-induced hypochondriacs Sean and Lucia Wheatley, whose fears Tina the Lesbian is yet again forced to deal with because she’s the closest homosexual to their house.
“Stop threatening our proms!” Lucia Wheatley says to Tina the Lesbian, who has once again foolishly opened her front door to the frightened couple.
“I didn’t even go to my prom,” Tina the Lesbian says. “I don’t even care about proms. Proms are outdated events that promote mindless conformity and the oppressive high school social hierarchies that causes all of the neuroses and problems that plague people well into adulthood.”
“Yeah, well Lucia and I fell in love with each other at our prom,” says Sean Wheatley. “I knew that night that this was the woman I was going to marry.”
“How many people in the future will not get married because lesbians are canceling proms?” says Lucia. “Stop threatening marriage! Or rather the marriages that have yet to occur.”
“I don’t think the success of a relationship should be dependent on whether a school holds a prom,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“But what about all the children who are concieved on prom night?” says Sean. “You would deny them the chance to be born? You’re aborting them! It’s like you’re dipping a wire hanger in the river of time.”
“Are you trying to go back in time and erase proms from history, like a gay Terminator?” says Lucia. “Or maybe like a nihilist Back To The Future where instead of making sure his parents hook up at the prom Marty McFly murders everyone?”
“Why can’t you use your lesbian time machine for good?” says Sean.
“Gays cannot travel through time,” says Tina the Lesbian. “We’re not magic, we don’t cause earthquakes, and we don’t own a TARDIS or a DeLorean or those boxes in that movie Primer. We are regular people.”
“Right… like you would tell us if you owned a prom-killing homosexual time machine,” says Lucia.
“Just keep your lesbian hands off our proms and our timelines!” says Sean.
So now Tina has me sneaking into the Wheatley’s bedroom at night dressed in tin foil, firing a revolver into their ceiling to wake them up, and telling them that I’m from the future where married people are hunted for sport, proms are illegal, and gay time police dictate their oppressive rule with an iron yet lubricated fist. And the only way to stop this from happening is if I get some nude pictures of Lucia. When Sean asks how exactly that would stop the promless gay dystopia from occuring, I explain that it’s part of a larger, highly complicated process called the Heterosexual Butterfly Effect that will counteract the coming of Gay Judgment Day. Sean offers to let me use his digital camera.