Everyone’s Irish Today, But Not That Irish

March 17, 2010

It’s common knowledge that St. Patrick’s Day is a big day for bars and pubs and taverns and such.  What is less common knowledge is that it’s also a busy day for gay bars as well.  And just like straight bars on St. Patty’s Day, the amount of amateur drinkers and propensity for fights and conflicts among gay bar patrons makes it an especially busy time for the bouncers at these establishments.

Samurai Cathy, who works as a bouncer at the lesbian bar ClamLappers and has a bit of Irish in her as seen in her fiery red hair, knows this full well, and has brought on a temp bouncer to help her keep the peace: our other redhead on the Renal Failure roster of characters Marlie.

Now you may think that the perpetually drunk wife of Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat wouldn’t want to work on the greatest drinking day of the calendar year for her people, but you have to take into account that she has been temporarily banned from the only bar in town that will allow her entry, O’Cirrhosis’s, for “crimes against humanity” as the proprietor is quoted as saying on the police report.  So Marlie is happy to be in any bar on this special day.  Plus she’s being paid in liquor, which is the only currency Marlie is interested in anyway, and they let her wear her Ireland rugby uniform and cleats too.

Now patrons at ClamLappers know not to mess with Samurai Cathy, because she has been known to cut off people’s hands.  It took them a little while to learn that Marlie is even more dangerous for the following reasons:

1)  Marlie is too drunk to feel anything.
2)  Lesbians don’t know how to defend against headbutts
3)  Lesbians don’t know how to defend against the cervix kick.

“And den’t let me catch ya back ‘ere again, ya Pratestant whore!”  Marlie yells as she tosses yet another misbehaving lesbian out the door.  She calls everyone she fights a Protestant whore, as Marlie is still fighting The Troubles, despite whatever cease fires in Northern Ireland are in effect. 

“Did you really have to almost bite that woman’s tit off?”  Samurai Cathy asks Marlie as Marlie wipes the blood that’s not hers from her mouth.

“Ya tach me, ya get ya teet chewed aff,”  says Marlie.  “Farst rul’a bauncin’.” 

“Not according to the movie Road House,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “The rules are never underestimate your opponent, never start anything in the bar, and be nice.  There’s nothing in there about biting off someone’s breast.”

“Pattie Swayze nev’a been ta tha bars I go ta,” Marlie says.  “And I was bein’ nice.  I let that Pratestant whore keep ‘er ather teet.  Nice is sabjectave.”

So for the rest of the night, Cathy and Marlie play a sort of Good Cop/Bad Cop with unruly patrons.  Cathy asks them nicely to leave, and when they don’t Marlie headbutts them, kicks them in the cervix, and maybe take a chunk out of their tit with her teeth before throwing them out.  Tina the Lesbian and her sapphic friends watch from afar and take bets on which drunk assholes will leave of their own accord or will get wrecked by Marlie. 

By the end of the night, Marlie’s thrown out eighteen people, bitten off nine tits,  and gone through just as many bottles of whiskey during her shift.  With how much Marlie drank and how many lawsuits are pending, I doubt ClamLappers made a profit this night. 

Still, as Marlie says while staggering home once all the blood’s been cleaned off the floor, “Any night ya can walk away fram…”  Then she pauses to vomit in the street before continuing home.  And like a good samurai, Cathy looks out for her partner, making sure Marlie at least passes out in her house instead of on her front lawn. 



  1. it’s a dark, scary place where Samurai Cathy is the “good” cop… i’m drinking at home today, thankyou…

  2. A cervix kick with cleats sounds extraordinarily painful

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