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Waterblonding: A Follow-Up

March 18, 2010

The recent “Jihad Jane” story about a white blonde woman in Pennsylvania being in league with Islamic terrorists and plotting to kill some cartoonist in Sweden has our attention here at Renal Failure, but not for the reasons you might think.

Regular Renal Readers might remember last May when Psycho Dave came up with a way to determine once and for all how to determine whether waterboarding was torture: do it to hot blonde white women and see how the American people react.  Considering our media’s hysteria whenever anything happens to a hot blonde white woman, Psycho Dave is confident that the consensus will be that waterboarding is torture, which is what Psycho Dave wants because when he gets hired by the CIA as an interrogator he doesn’t want to use namby-pamby “enhanced interrogation techniques,” he wants to use actual torture.  He’s a purist.

Well, judging by her picture, Jihad Jane has obviously seen better days, but she still qualifies as a blonde white woman.  Two out of three ain’t bad for this experiment in defining human rights.

So did federal authorities waterboard her to find out what she knew?  Signs point to no.  This could be for a number of reasons: 1) we don’t do that sort of thing anymore, or 2) we don’t do that sort of thing to Americans, or 3) we don’t do that sort of thing to white people.

And it’s this last point that Psycho Dave finds most disheartening.  Not because of the racial message it sends to the rest of the world, but because it makes Caucasians look like prissy little bitches.   

“Oh sure, honkeys still beat the crap out of other honkeys,” says Psycho Dave.  “Like MTV’s Jackass, backyard wrestling, and the National Hockey League.  But we save the really nasty stuff for other races and that does crackers everywhere a great disservice.  I remember the stories my grandfather would tell of how the only thing people had to do in town was roll a hoop with a stick and beat up the Irish.  And oh there were plenty of Irish for Anglo-Saxons to beat in those days.  A simpler time… but still hardcore.”

Not to worry, though.  Psycho Dave is working on a plan to convince the CIA that the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders are really Al-Qaeda agents.  Because Psycho Dave will not rest until beautiful American women are waterboarded for the good of all honkeys everywhere. 

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3 comments

  1. “Do it to hot, blonde, white women,” is one of my personal mottos.


  2. But I don’t want to be waterboarded, and trust me, they would totally want to waterboard me. I am fucking gorgeous. Seriously. No, really. I should be on that list. I promise.

    Okay, if I’m not on the list, I get to run the interrogation.


    • Interrogate me Rassles, I’ll break at the first sign of a board



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