Tag Larkin is your homeworkMarch 25, 2010
The story about the Texas school board (which doesn’t have a single teacher or professor or academic person on it) doing a bunch of pants-on-head retarded things like cutting Thomas Jefferson from “a list of figures whose writings inspired revolutions in the late 18th century and 19th century” because of his “separation of church and state” stance, not including Archbishop Oscar Romero in the topic of figures who fought against oppression because one dumb lady didn’t know who he was, and replacing the term “capitalism” with “free enterprise” because apparently the term capitalism “has a negative connotation” has our attention not because it reinforces my low opinions of Texas but because of who else these Texan paint-drinkers left out of their proposed cirriculum…
It is a fact: our children do not learn about Tag Larkin. Teachers do not tell them about how Tag Larkin has contributed to our nation’s history, and it’s the kids who suffer most from these sins of omission.
For example, did you know we really dropped Tag Larkin on Japan in World War II and not atomic bombs? And this was after Tag Larkin stormed the beaches at Nazi lines at Normandy with only a kilt and a table leg. Of course you don’t hear about that, because then Tom Brokaw couldn’t call those WWII veterans “The Greatest Generation.” They’d just be “The Generation That Watched Tag Larkin Kick A Whole Lot Of Ass,” just like every other generation.
And did you know Tag Larkin landed with the pilgrims on Plymouth Rock? And did you know Tag Larkin then fucked Plymouth Rock while keeping his buckle hat squarely on his head? Of course you didn’t. THEY don’t want you to know that.
Did you know Tag Larkin was originally tasked to write the Declaration of Independence? But they had Thomas Jefferson punch it up with more flowery words and terms because if our Founding Fathers were going to go through the trouble of mailing a message to England they wanted it to say more than just “FUCK YOU ENGLAND IN YOUR ENGLANDY FACE! Sincerely, Tag Larkin.”
(Note: There are only unsubstantiated rumors that Tag Larkin also wanted to include a pubic hair in his Declaration of Independence with a postscript saying “PS: Here is a sample of what will be caught in your teeth when Tag Larkin dips his balls in your mouth.”)
I think Texas has it in for Tag Larkin because Tag Larkin actually defeated the Mexicans at the Alamo, meaning it was not the setting of “a heroic struggle against impossible odds“, it was just another place where Tag Larkin kicked copious amounts of ass, thus reducing its significance in US history and Texas legend. And as Ozzy Osbourne knows, Texans get really butthurt when you mess with the Alamo.
When will they teach controversy that is Tag Larkin?