April Fools! You’re still on dialysis and have three weeks to live!April 1, 2010
Some people think that Large Haldron Collider will create a black hole that will destroy the Earth. I think it will open a portal to the mirror dimension.
And in this mirror dimension will be a highly-trafficked blog called Kidney Wellness, run by a some popular well-adjusted guy who writes about how much he loves the world and everything in it. He has a healthy social and dating life and had a good time in high school. He can also dance.
And this guy goes to the bar to have wine coolers with his friend Familiar Doug, who everyone knows even if they never met him before. And when this guy comes home he usually finds Retarded Dave in his kitchen waiting to give great big hugs to everyone he sees.
His next door neighbor is Henry the Mechanical Welsh Corgi, who is married an Anglo-Saxon woman and devout Mormon named Marlie. The strongest thing Marlie drinks is milk, and Henry loves humanity and playing fetch.
There is no Mikka, but there is Mikimbo. He’s from the Congo and has no interest in sci-fi, video games, or anime. He is the starting center for the New York Knicks. He dates Samurai Vicki, who is involved in a blood feud with Ninja Cathy, who is best friends with Tina the Heterosexual with Bad Fashion Sense.
They don’t see much of Avonia the Devout Muslim Telemarketer because she’s not allowed to leave the house without her husband or a male relative, much to the dismay of Linda Matriarchy. And the city is protected by superheroine Azure Sprinter, who runs superfast on her fully-functioning legs. Also Sean and Lucia Wheatley live on a hippie commune in California and Trent Lott is a civil rights hero from Wisconsin.
Don’t worry, there’s still Tag Larkin. Because there are only three constants in every reality: Death, Taxes, and Tag Larkin. But in this particular universe he’s married to a woman named Vag Harkin who shares Tag Larkin’s love of tallboys, breaking furniture during sex, and speaking in the third person.
Oh, and the number one fan of Kidney Wellness is an Australian blogger named DoctorMarco, who is known for his Codpiece Mondays.
Suddenly I don’t like this Large Haldron Collider thing anymore. Or April’s Fools Day.