That don’t make no census

April 2, 2010

We have people in town who refuse to fill out their U.S. census forms because they don’t want the government to know their phone number (even though the government has been tapping their phone for years) or that they’re afraid the information will be used by Barack Obama to round them up into his Whitey Matrix Camps where white people will be used as an energy source to power a giant Abortion Cannon from atop the Washington Monument.  But one person is turning this paranoia to his advantage…

Tag Larkin.

Instead of throwing out their census forms or burning them, these people are just giving them to Tag Larkin, and Tag Larkin fills them out with his name and information.

“With every form, Tag Larkin counts as more of an American as you,”  says Tag Larkin, writing his name on yet another census form.  “By Tag Larkin’s last count, Tag Larkin is three hundred and thirty-eight times the American you are.”

Tag Larkin is operating under the assumption that the more census forms he sends in, the more people he counts as, which gives him more votes that he can cast on election day.  While everyone spends their measely one person/one vote on the candidate of their choice, Tag Larkin will drop ten thousand votes on someone with just one visit to the voting booth.  At least, that’s how Tag Larkin thinks it will work. 

Also Tag Larkin hopes that the more forms he fills out with his name on them, the more likely it is that the government will give him public works funds because Tag Larkin also lists himself as a municipality.  Tag Larkin is the mayor of Tag Larkinville, which has various community projects that need funding, such as keeping Tag Larkin’s fridge stocked with Schlitz tallboys and providing bail money for when IKEA calls the cops on Tag Larkin for trying to live in their furniture showrooms. 

By the time all the census taking has concluded, Tag Larkin estimates that he will have filled out enough forms to earn his own seat in the House of Representatives, which will make watching C-SPAN a lot more interesting because of Tag Larkin’s unique interpretation of parlimentary procedures such as “tabling a motion.”



  1. wish i’d known this before i mailed my form. i amused myself by adding a small family of goats to my household. hey, they say “It’s The LAW” that you fill the damn thing out, but they don’t say “Don’t Lie!”…

  2. lol.

  3. Table me, Tag Larkin. Table me now….

  4. Also, when he calls 911, he gets one cop car responding for every census form he’s filled in. It’s True. It’s a FACT.

    • Damn, Raincoaster! You’ll have to post my links at Gawker more often. You got me 300+ visits today. I don’t think I’ve cracked 100 in a day in quite awhile. Thanks!

  5. Still waiting for my tabling…..

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