How’s that mommy out of wedlocky thing working out for you?

April 8, 2010

So there’s this PSA starring Bristol Palin about teen pregnancy, and I think it’s supposed to promote abstinence but there’s some dispute amongst the group on that issue.  Watch it for yourself.

“Yeah, pause before you play,”  says Mikka.  “Pause to put on a damn condom then commence to playing.  But then again, condoms are to Palins what sunlight is to vampires.”

“I agree, this isn’t promoting abstinence,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “It’s promoting buttsex.  Let your guy drill you in the ass and you won’t end up like Bristol Palin.”

“No, this ad is telling teens that it’s only okay to fuck if you have a rich mommy and daddy,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Rich people get to fuck all they want, but under no circumstances should the lower classes partake in such joy.”

“Maybe it’s an ad to make teenagers gay,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Pause before you play, unless you’re gay because then you can fuck all you want without worrying about getting preggers.”

“I thought it was an ad about spousal abuse, the way she looks more and more beat up as the commercial went on,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Maybe the message is you should be a lot more choosy about you have sex with and not let any jackass on the high school hockey team put one through your five-hole.”

“So is she admitting that her son is an utter mistake and that if not for her family’s fortune and connections he would have caused her to be condemned to a joyless life of abject poverty and constant suffering?”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Please don’t ever let that kid see this PSA unless you want him up on a clocktower picking people off with one of Grandma Sarah’s assault rifles that she used to shoot wolves with from a helicopter.”

“Yes, children will ruin your life, thanks for the update from Obviousville, Bristol,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Though it did remind me I have to get another batch of birth control pills at the end of the month, so maybe that’s the PSA’s point.”

“Why bother?”  says Samurai Cathy.  “The last time you got touched by a man Christopher Eccleston was still the Doctor.”

“You have a lopsided ass, you cry after sex, and your womb is barren!”  Ninja Vicki snaps back before throwing down a smoke ball and disappearing through the ceiling.  Everyone looks confused, except for Cathy who looks mortified, which is something I didn’t know samurai could do.

“So does that mean Mikka can stop wearing a condom when he bangs you?”  Anonymous Doug says to Samurai Cathy.  “Also, I have a level in my trunk…”



  1. i won’t believe she’s sincere until she has ‘hymen reconstruction surgery’. it’s not like she can’t afford it.

  2. Anonymous Doug is so empathic

  3. Man, I have been watching the shit out of Doctor Who lately.

  4. Well, being poor is un-American but being pregnant isn’t (is it?), so it must be anti-poor.

    But then I’m foreign.

  5. If it’s “pause before you play” that would suggest a restart at some point. Fuck I hate these people…

    1. what if I didn’t come from a famous family? Your family is famous for being morons.

    2. What if I didn’t have all their support? You don’t. Mom is off trying to organize the 15% of Americans who think health care reform (like, you know, so your fucking child can’t be refused coverage) is Communism.

    3. What if I couldn’t finish my education? You mean, like, what if successive Republican governments cut programs supporting single mothers? Ask your mom about that one.

    4. What if I didn’t have all of these opportunities? Well, I guess you’d be just like the 98% of Americans whose mommy didn’t make $12million talkin’ about gettin’ rid of them programs which help the people you don’t want to be.

    “Believe me, it wouldn’t be pretty.” Fuck. You.

    • I like the cut of your jib. I think you’ve commented here before but it’s been a while (like years). Welcome back.

      • Thanks. The only thing more insulting than what they say is how quickly they turn themselves into victims when they’re forced to defend their ideas… these people force feed us their bullshit daily then, when we finally complain about the taste, they wave their arms around and tell us it’s not their fault we have taste buds… arrrgh.

        Thanks again.

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