You don’t have enough Weight Watchers points to be in this relationship

April 20, 2010

So there’s this article called “Your boyfriend may be making you fat” that says if you’re dating a guy you fall into habits with your man that result in you gaining some excess pounds that you wouldn’t have put on if you were single because you wouldn’t have those habits because you don’t have a man. 

What I got from the article is that if maintaining your current weight and fitness level is a priority you should do more to adapt the relationship around those routines rather than the routines around the relationship.   What Ninja Vicki got from the article is ammunition to razz her blood enemy Samurai Cathy, who has been dating our mutual friend Mikka for two years.

“Hey fatty!”  Ninja Vicki yells at Samurai Cathy from her perch in one of the trees in park where Cathy is meditating.  “Yeah, I’m talking to you Hamurai Cathy!  What, are you too fat to hear me?”

“Is this what ninjas have been reduced to now?”  Samurai Cathy says, unamused.  “Yelling at people from trees?”

“I’m just pointing out that you’ve put on some major poundage since you started dating Mikka,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “And that if you were a Peanuts character, you’d be Peppermint Fatty!”

“What are you, still in grade school?”  Samurai Cathy says.  “This is stupid, even for you.”

“Hey, I’m not the one you should be mad at, Fatrick Swayze,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Your relationship with Mikka is making you soft and jiggly, which really doesn’t bode well for your already misshapen and lopsided ass.”

“At least I have an ass,”  says Samurai Cathy, standing up with her sword in hand.  “Maybe if you had one it would offset your manly shoulders.”

“Yes, you do have an ass,” says Ninja Vicki.  “And it’s become a bigger target for me to hit with a throwing star in the last two years.  Talk about junk in the trunk, Faturday Night Live.  It’s like a retarded zeppelin jammed itself into the back of your pelvis.”

“Are you going to bark all day, little doggie, or are you going to bite?”  says Samurai Cathy.

“Oh, someone was watching Reservoir Dogs recently,” says Ninja Vicki.  “You were probably nestled on the couch with Mikka, mindlessly shoving popcorn and nachos and other fattening crap down your gullet, Ms. Director of Fatography.”

“You’re trying to get under my skin,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “It won’t work.”

“Of course not, not with all that fat in the way,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “I’m just pointing out that my greatest rival in combat has become a doughy hamsack ever since she started dating my frie- I mean, this guy I know.  And your added weight and increased sedentaryness with Mikka has been to the detriment of your fighting ability.  In smaller words, your fat ass has made you slower and easier for me to stab, Catherine.”

“You’re forgetting one thing, Victoria”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Becaue I’m in a relationship, I get to burn calories with sex.  And Mikka and I enjoy burning calories that way.  A lot.  Sometimes multiple times a day if we want.  When was the last time some poor soul deigned to give you such a workout.  And no, straddling a dryer doesn’t count.”

Ninja Vicki draws her sword halfway, then slams it back in its sheath.  “Oh, no you don’t.  You’re not going to bait me with my dry spell with men.”

“Nor are you going to bait me with tall tales of imaginary weight gain,” says Samurai Cathy.  “So we are at an impasse.”

“Yeah, well at least I’m not a member of that Faternal Order of Police, ya chunky whorebag,” Ninja Vicki says before jumping away into the woods.

Samurai Cathy watches Vicki leave, and then pinches one of her love handles to determine if she has really put on weight.   ” Have I…?  No… Vicki’s just bullshitting me… yeah… just bullshit…”



  1. This is why I drag my engineer to the gym, and make him squat…

  2. “Director of Fatography”


    I read that today, and then I used it. Twice.

  3. Straddling a dryer does count

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