I Can’t Pay For Heart Medication With PoultryApril 21, 2010
We’ve taken an interest in Nevada’s potential Republican senatorial candidate Sue Lowden, specifically with her idea to change the health care system in America to one where patients barter/haggle with their doctors for lower prices for medicinal services. And she recently expounded on that idea…
“Let’s change the system and talk about what the possibilities are. I’m telling you that this works. You know, before we all started having health care, in the olden days our grandparents, they would bring a chicken to the doctor, they would say I’ll paint your house. I mean, that’s the old days of what people would do to get health care with their doctors. Doctors are very sympathetic people. I’m not backing down from that system.”
Now she might not be aware that Tag Larkin has tried numerous times to pay for things with chicken, all to no avail. Sometimes it’s a live chicken, other times it’s a ten piece bucket from Kentucky Fried Chicken, one time it was a VHS copy of the movie Chicken Run. The point is that the chickens were not accepted as currency by the proprietors of these businesses no matter how many times Tag Larkin punched them in the face.
But let’s take a walk with Sue Lowden’s mind and explore these possibilities of which she speaks. So the chicken thing doesn’t work, but what about painting your doctor’s house in exchange for getting an ultrasound or getting some important blood tests done?
“That won’t work either,” says Anonymous Doug who has painted a house and is has been a few free clinics in his time. “What if the person in front of you has already paid with the promise of house painting? You’re screwed.”
“Yeah, how many times is this house going to get painted?” says Ninja Vicki, who has caused many people to seek health care treatment. “And we haven’t even discussed houses with aluminum siding or stucco exteriors. What then? Do you have to put a back deck on the doc’s house instead? Because that’s the best thing to do when you’ve got leukemia: construction work.”
So house painting or major home renovations are not a viable barter options for everyone, especially for potential cancer patients and those looking for prenatal care, but what about other services? Car washing runs into the same problem as house painting, and considering I can get my car washed for the price of a Quiznos sandwich I doubt it will get earn much in the way of medical care, even with waxing.
“Well, that leaves the oldest and most obvious of trades then, doesn’t it,” says Anonymous Doug with a grin. “And it’s legal in Nevada…”
“I am not sucking dick for a mammogram,” Ninja Vicki says.
“But you might give up the backdoor for some chemo,” says Anonymous Doug. “Unless your oncologist was female. But she could be a lesbian. I wonder how much carpet would you have to munch to cover a mastectomy?”
Side note: Lesbian Oncologist would be an awesome band name.
This sex-for-medical treatment barter system only benefits one person: Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. If she finds a lump in her breast she has an army of hookers at her disposal with which to pay her doctor.
“But what if you don’t have hookers?” says Anonymous Doug. “What if you just happen to have a hot looking wife, or a nubile young daughter just finishing up her freshman year of high school?”
“I don’t think I want my health care to mirror the plot of Indecent Proposal,” says Ninja Vicki. “Or Lolita for that matter.”
It would seem the barter system doesn’t mesh well with such large scale systems such as health care. Someone needs to inform Tag Larkin of that before he beats an CAT scan technician for not accepting a bucket of Extra Crispy as payment. Why would Tag Larkin need an CAT scan? Because Tag Larkin wants to find out if there’s a smaller Tag Larkin living inside his head, that’s why. So shut up and keep fucking that chicken.