When Sliding Into Third Base Means Something Completely Different

April 23, 2010

“Did you know there’s a Gay Softball World Series?”  I say.  “Or a North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance for that matter?”

“No I did not,”  says Tina the Lesbian, who plays on the local softball team representing her favorite gay bar ClamLappers.  “Apparently I didn’t get the gay memo about that.”

“Did you know three bisexual guys from one team are suing the Alliance because they were declared ‘not gay enough to participate in the series?'”  I say, also noting that the Gay Softball World Series has a rule where each team can only have a maximum of two heterosexual players, thus negating the plantiffs’ team’s second place finish in the Series.  “I didn’t know there were degrees of gayness.”

“I guess there is sort of a gay scale,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “You got Liberace all the way on the high end, then on the other end you’ve got closeted conservative politicians on the down low with hetero families who decry homosexuality to please their constituents while at the same time are regulars at highway rest stop glory holes.” 

“What’s the criteria they use to determine your homo level?”  I say.  “Do they do a blood test and see how many homoton particles per million are present?”

“No, it’s not like that stupid midichlorian count thing in the Star Wars prequels,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Being gay is not like being a Jedi.  Even though lightsabers are sort of like rave glowsticks.”

“Because the league doesn’t have any category in its rules regarding bi and trans people,”  I say, referring back to the article,  “so I’m wondering if there’s a certain ratio a bisexual has to achieve regarding same and opposite sex relations to qualify as gay enough for the Gay Softball World Series.  Like maybe a bisexual dude has to have a 3:2 ratio of times he’s banged a dude compared to times he’s banged a chick to pass the test.”

“But who administers this test?  Some sort of High Gay Council?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  And who’s on this council?  Ellen DeGeneres, Fred Schneider of the B-52’s, and the ghost of Paul Lynde?”

“I would think Charles Nelson Reilly and Rip Taylor would be there too,”  I say.  “Or maybe they have a machine, like the Voight-Kampff test in Blade Runner.”

“That makes a lot more sense than however they’ll determine if Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension can be reduced due to good behavior,”  says Tina the Lesbian, referring to the Pittsburgh Steelers’ quarterback getting suspended for six games regarding recent accusations of him sexually assaulting a woman.  Again.   “What’s the criteria there?  Do they have their own council of rapists to refer to?  Like Mike Tyson and Roman Polanski?”

Note: It is rumored Tina the Lesbian is a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers’ rival in the AFC North Division, the Baltimore Ravens.  It is said this stems mainly from her love of noted Baltimoran Edgar Allen Poe, of whose famous poem the team takes their name.  We can neither confirm or deny this.

“I think all they do is put a liquored-up club-hopping college senior in a room with Roethlisberger,”  I say, “and if after three hours he hasn’t violated her against her will, he’s considered cured and ready to rejoin the Steelers after four weeks of suspension instead of six weeks.”

“And then they give him a ribbon and a diploma congratulating him on not raping anyone for a whole month,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  

“Do they give out ribbons and diplomas if you are deemed gay enough by the Gay High Council?”  I say. 

“At the very least I think they would probably give you a sash,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Or a very festive vest with sequins all over it.”

“And will this vest keep Ben Roethlisberger from forcing himself on you in the bathroom of a nightclub?”  I say. 

“Sure, why not,”  says Tina.  “The all-powerful homo vest will protect you from drunk Super Bowl winning quarterbacks and also will allow you to play gay softball.  The Fabulous Gay Council has spoken.”

Solutions, we’re all about them here at Renal Failure. 



  1. you just need a Gay-ger counter… the pentagon was working on those when they were doing research on the gay bomb. everyone knows that you can’t use a weapon without being able to do a ‘battle damage assessment’.

  2. Hey we’ve got two poofs and a lezzo in our family so I definitely carry the gene since one of the poofs is of my own making. I failed with my other son though, he’s as hetero as they come.

    Does this make me gay enough to play softball? Or can I at least be on the judging panel?

  3. Is there some kind of over-arching body you can appeal to in case of disputes? Or perhaps an Ombudsman of Gayness? Oversight is terribly important.

    • There might be a John Waters Court of Appeals. But until he decides to listen to your case you’re off the gay softball team and in danger of being raped by Ben Roethlisberger.

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