Something tells me they won’t be asking gingers for their citizenship papers

April 28, 2010

“So in Arizona the cops can now stop any one if they suspect them to be an illegal immigrant?”  says Mikka, who comes from a Finnish immigrant family.

“Yup, and if from this unwarranted stop you can’t prove you’re a citizen they haul your ass to some federal immigration office for detainment,” I say.  “And they probably taser you a few times too, just to be thorough.”

“I’m not exactly sure how you prove you’re really a citizen on the street, seeing how no one I know carries their birth certificate on them,” says Mikka.  “Maybe a driver’s license will do it, but what if you don’t drive, like Samurai Cathy doesn’t?”

“Maybe they have a Citizenship Tricorder to measure the amount of Freedom Cells in your body,”  I say.  “Freedom Cells come in red, white, and blue and are in high quantites in your bloodstream if you were born in America.”

“But my family wasn’t born here and they’re US citizens,” says Mikka.  “At least I think we are.  We’ve never been good with papers.  But what about legal immigrants who make it to become citizens?”

“When you are granted citizenship, you get a high concentration injection of Freedom Cells,”  I say.  “It’s like being vaccinated against tyranny.  That’s why we only violate the human rights of non-Americans.”

“But then  all foreigners and illegal immigrants would have to do is get a bunch of transfusions of American blood and they could fool the Tricorder ,”  says Mikka.

“Freedom Cells die when transfered to the body of a non-citizen,”  I say.  “They are smart. They know the difference between a real American and some desperate soul from a foreign land yearning for a better life who is in this country without going through the proper procedures and filling out all the right forms.”

“That is fucking ridiculous,”  says Mikka.  “But no less fucking ridiculous than people saying that there will be no racial profiling in enforcing this law.”  

“True, and no one has said how they can tell if someone might be an illegal immigrant without taking race into account,”  I say.  “Do they just grab people who look in shape enough to climb a fence and run to freedom?”

“Real god-fearin’ ‘Mericans wouldn’t be in good enough shape to get across the border and then spend 12 hours a day picking fruit,”  says Mikka.  “We’re too busy eating greasy bacon cheeseburgers with glazed donuts instead of a bun.  Fitness is a socialist plot.”

“I’m just glad Shakira is getting involved,”  I say, referring to the a story about how the pop star/robot from the future sent to save humanity with her piston-powered hips is meeting with the mayor of Phoenix to help the campaign within that city to rescind the Arizona  law. 

“Yeah, she gets shit done,”  says Mikka.  ” And she endorsed Obama for President and the dude won.  Coincidence?  Don’t think so.”  

Side note: Shakira’s Wikipedia page says regarding her vast philantrophy and charity work: ‘On her 32nd birthday, Shakira opened a new $6-Million school in her hometown Barranquilla, which was sponsored by herself and her Pies Descalzos Foundation.”  On my 32nd birthday I will probably be belligerantly drunk by 3pm and being thrown out of a department store for loudly attempting to get the mannequins to unionize.  She gets shit done.  I don’t get shit done.

“So is there going to be a boycott of Arizona like there was in the 80’s when the state voted against the Martin Luther King Jr. Day holiday?”  Mikka says.  “I need to know so I don’t wear my Phoenix Coyotes hockey jersey, thus misrepresenting my position on this issue.”

“Precedent says we must wait for word on Shakira about that,”  I say,  “as the boycott over Arizon not celebrating MLK Day in the 80’s was prompted by Stevie Wonder.”

Yeah, admittedly it’s not the greatest idea to rely on a musician for your position on a topic of importance, but considering the numerous deceitful Screaming Heads on radio, TV, and text-based media that large percentages of people use to form their opinions you could do a whole lot worse than Shakira.   



  1. Maybe we can suggest that Shakira make a series of videos, rife with subliminal and overt educational messages, to eradicate some of the stupid in this country?

  2. “Fitness is a socialist plot.” Ha! I’ve been saying that for years but no one listens to me

    • Jayzis, in that case I’m Leon Trotsky, Che Guevara and Eugene Debs rolled into one Spandex sport bra.

  3. Department stores are notorious for employing non-union mannequins.

  4. Seriously.

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