Ninjas do not drink Pabst Blue RibbonMay 6, 2010
Back in the 80’s, ninjas were so bad ass they wore bright colors and headbands clearly denoting their ninjasity. But time changes everything…
So there’s this story about a couple of teens walking in the woods and they get confronted by someone dressed up as a ninja who claims to be “protecting the woods” and then hits one of the kids with a non-fatal blow to the head with a machete (twenty stitches? better get your money back on that machete, dude). Anyway, turns out the ninja was just some high schooler and the cops caught him at his house.
As always, I bring these tales of ninja crime to Ninja Vicki’s attention.
“You know, I’m getting sick of everyone jumping on the ninja bandwagon,” says Ninja Vicki. “Everyone wants to be a ninja now. But no one wanted to be a ninja back in the 90’s when I was in high school and college.”
By my alcohol-addled recollection, Vicki has a point. Ninjas were all the rage in the 80’s and even into the early 90’s. But the middle to late parts of the decade was not kind to ninjas, as seen in the decline of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Mortal Kombat franchises. And the Mulligan Decade that was the 2000’s saw a rise in popularity of pirates who are the ninja’s natural enemy, according to the ninja expert Robert Hamburger at Real Ultimate Power who was way ahead of the curve with ninjas back in 2002.
“So you’re saying you were ninja way before it was cool to be ninja,” I say. “You’re like a ninja hipster.”
“No, because then I wouldn’t like being a ninja anymore now that ninjaneering is all mainstream and such,” says Ninja Vicki. “I still fully enjoy my ninjaness.”
“So that would make you sort of the classic rock fan of ninjas,” I say. “That new ninja ain’t got the same soul, you like old time ninja rock and roll.”
“But all this new ninja shit is just idiots in black masks who bought a sword from the Home Shopping Network,” says Ninja Vicki. “I make a living off being a ninja. I am a ninja 24/7. At no point since you’ve known me have I not been a ninja.”
And that is true. At no point has we’ve seen her as just Vicki. Though we’re not sure if we would truly recognize her if she stopped being a ninja for an afternoon.
“But if my complete devotion and ruthless efficiency regarding the ninja arts make me the equivalent of that guy who hasn’t listen to any new music since Led Zeppelin stopped putting out albums, so be it,” says Ninja Vicki. “Because I can guaran-damn-tee I’ll put my sword through the skull of one of those part-time ninja posers without him even suspecting that I might be nearby.”
I can see Ninja Vicki pulling off the Marshall McLuhan scene from Annie Hall. Showing up at some ninja poser’s house, stabbing him in the back of the neck, and then saying “you know nothing of my work” as they bleed out. But that just proves that Ninja Vicki is more ninja than all of you.