There’s Young and Foolish, And Then There’s Just Dumb: Part OneMay 19, 2010
A friend of ours made us aware of this article from Glamour by 31-year old dating blogger Erin Meanley titled “31 things I wish I’d known about dating when I was 21.” Well, we couldn’t let this slip by without taking a few swings at it. A lot swings, actually, so we’re breaking up our dissection as a two-parter. Part One looks at the male view of a few of these “31 things,” courtesy of our resident dating expert and professional cad Anonymous Doug.
5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They’ll say anything to close the deal.
“She didn’t know this at 21?” says Anonymous Doug. “Hell, if you don’t know that guys want sex more than anything by the time you’re 16, you’re either a Twilight fan or Rain Man, and in either case you shouldn’t be given anything pointy.”
7. It’s better not to lift a finger in the beginning.
“Because guys really like when you’re fucking useless,” says Anonymous Doug. “You know what else doesn’t lift a finger? Blow-up dolls. And I don’t have take them out to dinner or read their stupid dating columns and pretend that they’re good either.”
9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I’d had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.
“Yeah, and real girls are nothing like the ones in porno movies either,” says Anonymous Doug. “I’m glad we can come to a consensus that basing your expectations of the opposite sex on movies is as smart as drinking bleach. I learned about the porn thing at 17 after a summer of delivering pizzas, what took her so long? Was she holding out hope that boys in real life really were like boys in the movies? How pitifully adorable.”
10. (Men) might take a decade to mature. Don’t hope they’ll grow up or be ready in the next six months.
“If I’m dating a woman and she thinks of me like this, like I’m a goddamn wine, I’m spite-fucking her best friend behind her back,” says Anonymous Doug. “Yeah, how do you like that Penis Grigio now? I find out a girl treats me as a project, I wipe my cock on her curtains.”
20. Even sophisticated people with professional jobs can have tempers or hit you or use foul language. I’ve known men who dressed like diplomats but they were ugly human beings.
“Did she not get the Lifetime channel?” says Anonymous Doug. “Was she seriously walking around thinking ‘Oh, that guy can’t be a foul-mouthed ill-tempered wife-beater; he’s a vice president at Goldman Sachs?’ Did a few backhands from your suave-suited suitor when you were a junior in college break your little shallow fantasy world?”
23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. booty text.
“Yeah, because I’m not driving over your place at that hour unless you actually call me,” says Anonymous Doug. “I want to hear the desperation in your voice when you make that booty call. Text doesn’t get me hot.”
25. Women love attention. A guy needs to be pretty crazy about you in order for him to pay enough attention to make you happy long-term.
“Or gay,” says Anonymous Doug. “Hey, you know an easy way to make a guy crazy about you and thus more likely to give you the excessive attention your needy, fragile ass craves? Banging them. Of course, we’ve already established this broad didn’t know at 21 that all men want sex, so asking her to make this connection is probably a retarded bridge too far for her.”
28. Never underestimate the quality of “interesting.” Men want someone interesting. They really do. Find some hobbies.
“This leads me to believe this woman was the most uninteresting 21-year old ever,” says Anonymous Doug. “How about if you’re not personally interesting you’d better be good at sucking cock? Men at any age will settle for that.”
31. You will never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.
“I wouldn’t trust this girl to understand the directions on a box of Pop Tarts,” says Anonymous Doug. “At 21, 31, or even 41 years old.”
We continue with female response in Part 2 tomorrow…