I call this the Womb-Shatterer

May 26, 2010

“If a pregnant woman threw a punch at you, would you fight her?”  says Anonymous Doug as we sit at the bar, drinking British Petroleum Lager.  Well, we’re not drinking it, we’re just watching the keg leak out onto the floor while no one fixes it.

“Why would a pregnant woman throw a punch at me?”  I say. “Why would a pregnant woman throw a punch at anyone?”

“Well, in my case it’s because she caught me banging her sister in her kitchen,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Don’t know why she didn’t try to fight her sister, it’s not like I was the only one there having sex.  Your sister was having it too, bitch.”

“I don’t think I’d fight a pregnant woman just for throwing a punch at me,”  I say.  “But if she came at me with a broken beer bottle or a knife, then it’s on!”

“Could you take a pregnant woman running at you with a knife in hand?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“She’s got that big belly in front of her,”  I say.  “She’s not going to be able to reach around that very well.  And that’s going to give me plenty of time to deliver a booming front kick to her gut.  And you know I got strong legs.  That womb is going to liquefy and spill all out of that pregger’s fuckhole like Jennifer Beals dumping the water on herself in Flashdance.   WHAM!  SPLASH!  And now someone has to return a crib to Wal-Mart.”

“I just thought you were going to punch her in the face,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I didn’t think you’d do a Front Abortion Kick.”

“Well maybe Mother of the Year shouldn’t have been so stupid as to come running at me with a knife in hand and leading the way with her precious, fragile womb,”  I say.  “I hit her square and that tummy-tum-tum is going to deflate like a busted soccer ball.  It’s going to look like Gallagher was doing a show in her uterus, that’s how bad I’m going fuck her shit up.”

“You are hardcore, my friend,”  says Anonymous Doug.

“You do what you have to do to save your life,”  I say.  “On the streets, there are no rules.  You can either die, or you can punt a fetus out a bitch’s back like a shotgun blast.  Now I don’t know about you, but I know what I’m choosing.”

Yeah, sure, you could probably outrun a pregnant woman with a knife, but what if there was nowhere to run?  What do you do then?  You bend that womb like Beckham, that’s what you do.  And you live to tell your friends and family about it.



  1. and i thought i had a bad fucking day. somebody need a hug? an emergency blow job?

    • “In case of emergency, break glass for blow job.” Yup, that would be awesome to have.

      • clearly, nursemyra and i need to get you to greece for some serious therapy…

      • and by the way – under the glass, there is a pair of kneepads and a travel-sized bottle of mouthwash.

  2. LOL

  3. hey daisyfae I need an emergency blow job!

    • Fuck plane ticket… plane ticket, jesus christ….

  4. “I don’t hit women. I would never hit a woman, Chloe. I’d hit a woman who was trying to hit me with a bottle. That’s different. That’s self-defense, isn’t it? Or a woman who could do karate.”

    (What’s a fifty year old lollipop man doing, knowing fucking Karate? What was he, a Chinese lollipop man?)

  5. “You can either die, or you can punt a fetus out a bitch’s back like a shotgun blast.”

    Well, duh… obviously.


  6. Given my curdled feelings about children and overpopulation, I hate to tell you how often I’ve had that fantasy.

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