They marched under a rainbow swastika

May 27, 2010

Today we get a history lesson from some crazy old guy

“So Hitler himself was an active homosexual. And some people wonder, didn’t the Germans, didn’t the Nazis, persecute homosexuals? And it is true they did; they persecuted effeminate homosexuals. But Hitler recruited around him homosexuals to make up his Stormtroopers, they were his enforcers, they were his thugs. And Hitler discovered that he could not get straight soldiers to be savage and brutal and vicious enough to carry out his orders, but that homosexual solders basically had no limits and the savagery and brutality they were willing to inflict on whomever Hitler sent them after. So he surrounded himself, virtually all of the Stormtroopers, the Brownshirts, were male homosexuals.”

“So how did we win World War II against the most savage and brutal warriors known to man then?” says Tina the Lesbian. “Surely our good wholesome straight American soldiers wouldn’t stand a chance against an army of gay Aryan supermen. Or did the Allies have their own merciless gay brigades storming the beaches of Normandy and marching into Berlin?”

“So if you were a flamer, you got sent to Dachau,” says Ninja Vicki. “But if you were a big, burly leather boy bear, you got to invade Poland. Anally.”

“So if gay soldiers will do anything and everything to win a war, why doesn’t the US have them in our ranks?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “If we’re truly in a desperate battle for survival against Islamic fundamentalists like all the idiot talking heads on the radio and TV keep saying, then why aren’t these savage gays not kicking ass for America? Are they our secret weapon, only to be used in our darkest hour?”

“Or maybe it’s only gay Germans who had the capacity to be uber-violent bringers of death and mayhem,” says Samurai Cathy, filling in for Mikka who is still bummed out that he got laid off from the wonton soup factory. “I don’t know how we’re all not speaking German right now.”

“I’m hoping there were Nazi Lesbian Wolfpack units,” says Anonymous Doug. “Hot madchen-auf-madchen action in a submarine. War is hell, boys. War is sexy carpet-licking hell.”

“So were the Japanese all gay too?” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “Or are we blaming their aggression and tenacity on  tentacle rape porn? Did they invent that before or after we dropped the atomic bomb on them?”

“The Vietcong must have been sucking dick all day to work up enough homosexual fury to beat us in Vietnam,” says Tina the Lesbian. “When they hid from napalm air strikes, they were probably butt-fucking each other into a murderous frenzy that was too much for our G.I.’s to handle.”

“I don’t think there were enough gay people in Germany back then to staff an entire paramilitary force with just homosexuals,” says Ninja Vicki. “He makes it sound like half of Germany was gay from 1933 through 1945.”

“I know this story is bullshit from my experience of being a bouncer in a gay bar because you are not going to get thousands of homosexuals to wear a brown shirt as a uniform,” says Samurai Cathy. “They’re going to want a bit more color in their wardrobe than what the Nazi party provided.”

“So if the Germans were gay, what was the problem with the Italians?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Was Mussolini into furries? Feet? Coprophilia?”

“I would settle for Hot Nazi Lesbo Valkyries of the Luftwaffe,” says Anonymous Doug.

“My grandfather disowned a gay son and fought in World War II,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “So if the Nazis were homosexuals, I’m pretty sure he would have said something about it.”

I wonder if the British thought the Americans were all fags during the Revolutionary War just because we wouldn’t march in an orderly formation.



  1. Could you imagine going up against an army of hypermasculine He-Men? Because this is what I’m picturing right now. An army of He-Men wearing brown coats over Prince Adam’s totally gay get-up.

  2. Were there perhaps 300 of them? Terribly out numbered by their foes? CGI “6 packs” projected onto their stomachs?

  3. Mussolini was totally a furry

  4. Maybe there was a core corps of hard-core dudes and the rest were gay-curious?

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