Beyond Solutions, Beyond Coherence

June 3, 2010

The BP oil fucktastrophe down in the Gulf of Mexico has prompted people who may or may not have been conjured from the ether after a night of absinthe and fiberglass to ask what would the crew at Renal Failure do to stop the gushing eco-shitting leak.  Probably because at this point, our guess is as good as anyone elses.

We thought about sending Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat down there with his arc welding laser attachment, but like most cats he will not go near the water.

Psycho Dave wanted to stuff the leak with dead hookers.  Apparently according to his research based on jokes made on the Internet, over the past decade or two America has produced more dead hookers than any other consumer product.  More than street crossing chickens, priests and rabbis who like to drink, and anonymous people knocking on doors who you may or may not know.

Bernie’s wife Marlie didn’t have a plan until she heard that BP meant British Petroleum.  Her plan is to plant nail bombs in Parliament until Northern Ireland is free from British rule, which is her plan for everything.

Tina the Lesbian suggested that we spread a rumor that the oil leak wants to get gay married, as it would be the only way to mobilize conservatives to help the environment.

Ninja Vicki suggested that Tag Larkin should stem the flow of oil by shoving his dick in the hole to stem the leakage, but Tag Larkin refused, saying that Tag Larkin doesn’t just shove his dick into any ol’ hole.  That hole has to do something for Tag Larkin other than just be there.  Tag Larkin is not going to do all the damn work.  Also, Tag Larkin doesn’t like that he can’t handcuff the oil leak to his headboard.

And Samurai Cathy just wants BP CEO Tony Hayward to spill his own intestines.  In his own swimming pool.

Why we don’t get asked for help more often is beyond me, but readily apparent to everyone else.



  1. i want hollywood to fix it. send in james cameron and his fleet of privately owned submersibles. and kevin costner! he knows science, damn it!

    wait. that would just be silly. could never happen…

  2. Why does nobody listen to the Russians? Nukes, dammit!

  3. I vote for Tina’s idea. And Tag Larkin still makes me swoon

  4. I think Tag Larkin should fight the oil spill. Maybe confuse it sexually with his overtly masculine thighs, get it to question its sexuality.

    Can’t be anyworse than the tyres and golf balls can it?

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