The Risen Christ has a -15 defense against Romans, nails, and lightningJune 22, 2010
In our early days, Renal Failure mentioned the Touchdown Jesus statue in Ohio, which depicted the risen Lord buried up to his chest in the ground and his arms shooting upwards as if to signal that a touchdown had been scored. Well, it seems Renal Failure has outlived a monument because a lightning bolt hit it and burned the Savior to the ground. And I think I know who did it.
“No, I did not summon a lightning bolt to burn down Touchdown Jesus,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “Maybe it was Jesus’s dad being pissed off about such a tacky graven image being outside one of his houses of worship.”
“God tends to fuck with his Son a lot,” I say. “I never understood how God sending Jesus to die for the sins of the world was supposed to make everything better. Like that couldn’t happen without Romans nailing your Son to a cross? You’re God. Omnipotent and omnipresent. You could have figured out a different way.”
“This is where polytheism has its benefits,” says Avonia. “Our gods and goddesses don’t know everything. There are separate entities who specialize in different things. If one goddess can’t help, there’s likely another with the necessary skill set who can.”
“But I still say the goddess Brigid can’t be both the goddess of fire and of ice,” I say. “That is bullshit. You can’t rule over diametric opposites. That’s like combining Iceman and Pyro into one mutant, and that’s retarded.”
“Brigid is an overachiever,” says Avonia. “And I can tell you if Wiccans ever built a Touchdown Brigid, we’d use much better materials than wood and Styrofoam.”
“And the porno shop across the street from Fiery Touchdown Jesus was untouched,” I say. “Score yet another victory for adult entertainment industrial complex. Blessed are the pornmakers.”
“Or maybe the porno shop had the sense to buy a lightning rod for their place,” says Avonia. “Your deity of choice is going to want you to meet him or her halfway regarding your safety.”
As an atheist, I’m fully aware that the lightning strike on Touchdown Jesus was a random event with no real meaning behind it, but it’s more fun to view it under the lens of religion and point out the giant resulting plotholes.