The media is that guy in The Karate Kid yelling “Get him a body bag! Yeah!”

June 23, 2010

There are people who are stupid just because they don’t know the relevant information of  a topic, or they let their concentration slip, or they just had a bad day.  Then there are people who are stupid for some sort of higher purpose, in service to some power or social structure seeking to maintain a way of life that only benefits that structure.  I am willing to bet that the majority of our news media works not for the lofty goals spoken about at university and by the elder statesmen of the craft but for the maintenance of such a structure, which someone else can go through the trouble of defining some other day.

My latest evidence of this is an article by the New York Times David E. Sanger, the chief Washington correspondent for the newspaper.  Entitled “Twisting Arms at BP, Obama Sets Off a Debate on Tactics,” the article details the President’s actions against businesses that have fucked up, like General Motors and banks that needed to be bailed out and British Petroleum with their fucktastrophy in the Gulf of Mexico.  An interesting article that sadly ends with a paragraph so purposefully stupid that the fact that Mr. Sanger draws a paycheck should be used as an indictment of the human race.

Along the way, (Obama) will have to avoid painting with such a broad brush that foreign and domestic investors come to view the United States as a too risky place to do business, a country where big mistakes can lead to vilification and, perhaps, bankruptcy.

The underlying message from Mr. Sanger is that consequences are for “the small people,” using a term from what that Swedish guy from BP “clumsily” said (yeah, brilliant move letting the guy with the tentative grip on the English language address the American people).  Worse is that Sanger presents this as if it’s logical, that we should give serious thought to not subjecting corporations to the consequences of their actions because we don’t want to hurt their feelings.   Or as the LOLCats say “Guyz, shut up!  BP has a sad.”

This just in for Purposely-Stupid David Sanger: BP broke the fucking ocean.  That big watery thing teeming with life that has been around longer than legs?  Broken.  You know, my whole life is one big error, and I’ve never come anywhere close to breaking even a birdbath.  For all the damage Ninja Vicki does on a regular basis, not even she has achieved anything in the same dimension of breaking an ocean.  Tag Larkin might want to break the ocean, maybe by drowning the Moon in it, but then again Tag Larkin is beyond consequences.

But British Petroleum and the other titans of industry are not Tag Larkin; they are whiny bitches.  The Citi and Goldman Sachs people didn’t want to give up their lucrative bonuses after they broke the economy, saying if they didn’t dish out the bonuses that these fine workers would leave for other companies, and then where would we be?   What no one ever asked or got an answer to, because our brilliant journalist corps couldn’t be bothered, is what other company would touch these people with a twelve-foot spiked dildo after almost destroying capitalism?  Probably a company needing people who are stupid for a cause, which is why the fuckstains responsible for trillions of dollars disappearing into thin air will have an easier time of finding employment than your unemployed friend who got busted for having a dimebag on him during a traffic stop.  And based on his article Sanger has more compassion for the fuckstains than your String Cheese Incident-listening small person friend.

What Sanger never says in his article, because he’s being willfully stupid for the cause, is that if big corporations don’t want to be vilified and bankrupted then they shouldn’t do things like break the fucking ocean.  He doesn’t say that because it would require “the big people,”  who previously have been already determined to be whiny bitches, to take responsibility for the things they do.  And if you know the whiny bitches in your own personal lives you also know they take responsibility for nothing.  So imagine that friend except they’re worth billions of dollars with offices on multiple continents.  Insufferable wouldn’t even begin to describe them.  Sanger’s role as BFF for the whiny bitches is to not only make them feel better about the things they fuck up, but to make anyone who points out their fuck-ups to be the real villain (like how Rep. Joe Barton of Texas apologized to BP ’cause the White House was mean to them).  And that makes Sanger a worse human being than whoever BP trots out on the TV – well, maybe not CEO Tony Hayward – because the sycophants to assholes are worse than the assholes themselves.

David Sanger is the Grover Dill to BP’s Scut Farkus.  Except when Ralphie beats the shit out of Scut Farkus near the end of a Christmas Story, Grover Dill writes a whiny article about it in the paper of record about how Farkus is the real victim and how we shouldn’t vilify the Scut Farkus’s of the world when they assault children in an alley because they’ll move away.  Still, I’m not sure which member of the NY Times payroll I want to hit in the crotch with a bat more: Sanger or Thomas Friedman.  Probably Friedman, he’s on TV more.



  1. I’m circulating this one far and wide. Brilliant. I think you have it nailed.

  2. The media… I work part-time in this sad business. “OOh! It might upset the forestry industry! We can’t print it!” “Oooh! It might upset the owners of the local resort! We can’t print it!”

    However, if a journalist wants to laugh their sad butts off, get the movie “The Devil Bat” and TRY to argue Ben Hecht didn’t have to do with THAT movie. A line that made us turn off the DVD and cry with laughter was: “If I ever pulled a stunt like that I couldn’t get a job with a country weekly.”

    I work with a country weekly. Kill me now.

  3. While I’m at it, let’s stop moaning about the Death of the Gulf as though it’s ANYTHING but an intentional action to clean out all that annoying nature so the drilling can go on drilling.

    Up here on the Olympic Peninsula, they cut down a forest, kill the cougars and THEN submit the environmental impact statement for the resort. BP’s just doing the bigger version of the same dance.

  4. B-but BP has green in their logo. They couldn’t possibly be grandmaster class fuckwits.

  5. sangers one of NYT’s top journalists, and one of the top in the country, i dont see what youre talking about. i enjoyed this article.

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