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You’re not going to like it when a plan comes together and jumps you in the park

June 30, 2010

Regular Renal readers may remember back in April when we followed Nevada Republican senatorial candidate Sue Lowden’s intriguing proposal of using the barter system for nation’s healthcare needs. Well, apparently her plan to have people pay for doctor’s visits with chickens (which we figured would ultimately lead to blowjobs for chemotherapy) didn’t fly to well in the Republican primary because she lost to Sharron Angle, who was able to keep her crazy ideas relatively quiet until after she won the nomination, such as this radio interview she did in January of 2010 with radio host Bill Manders

Manders: Is there any reason at all for an abortion?

Angle: Not in my book.

Manders: So, in other words, rape and incest would not be something?

Angle: You know, I’m a Christian and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things.

“So God has a plan… and it may involve me being raped?” says Tina the Lesbian, beginning our roundtable discussion at the local bar. “I doubt God will send angels to do that, so it would follow that the Lord is out recruiting rapists as we speak to carry out this important plan.”

(side note prediction: Rape Angel will be the hottest new Halloween costume this year)

“I don’t think you can use that defense in court, that it was God’s plan that you date-raped that chick at your frat house,” says Mikka. “Talk about a sucky deal. God’s plan for you was to serve a decade in prison and to be forever registered as a sex offender.”

“I’ve got a lifetime of ninja training that says God needs to rethink his rapey plans,” says Ninja Vicki, tapping a shuriken on the edge of the bar.  We already knew that the only thing that can defy the will of God is Tag Larkin, but we could buy ninjas being on that list too.

“Maybe God just wants to do his own remake of the movie ‘I Spit on Your Grave,'” says Anonymous Doug. “So you get viciously raped in a forest multiple times and are left for dead, but then you get bloody retribution at the end so it all works out, so sayeth the Lord, the light, the way, and the connoisseur of sexploitation cinema.”

“Or maybe God really liked the twist in the movie Chinatown,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “She’s my sister!  SMACK!  She’s my daughter!  SMACK!  She’s my sister and my daughter! Or he’s really into that Flowers in the Attic book.  Humans really should go back to worshiping cats as their god of choice.  We’re cuter and no cat has ever had a plan where you are raped by a blood relative.”

“I’m not really surprised that God has plans for incest,” says Samurai Cathy. “Considering he started the world with only Adam and Eve, that means brothers and sisters had to have been doing each other non-stop. God’s been watching that for thousands of years.”

“I’m not sure which branch of Protestantism this woman belongs to, but it seems heavy on predestination,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “And predestination is mainly just a crutch people use to shower more praise upon themselves when they succeed and heap shame upon those suffering misfortunes, fully keeping with your major religions’ structures of ‘I’m great, fuck you.'”

Doug and Avonia may be onto something.  Predestination by Protestants seems to me like a weird barter system with God, where he screws you over but you still believe in him because you think he’s going to make up for it somewhere down the road.  So yeah, he might have had you get gang-raped in some basement, but that just means the Good Lord owes you a solid, right?

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5 comments

  1. This was an incredibly funny post, Mr. Failure (unless you were serious, then it was a very astute post.) I’m sorry I don’t remember April, much less some Nevada post you did then (I’m not regular) but that sounded tres interesting as well. Unless one is not into rape and abortion and politicians, of course. But I am, so it was more than entertaining, what you said. (I read more than half of it.)


  2. As far as rape angels go, there’s always Pushkin’s “Gabriliad.”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gabrieliad


    • I like this line from the wikipedia entry: “Gabriel arrives a bit too late to save her from Satan but manages to drive him off with an illegal punch”

      Are angels not allowed to punch below the belt? Where I’m from there are no illegal punches.


  3. I’m beginning to suspect that god may have trained as a town planner. It would certainly explain the “moving in mysterious ways” part. And rape angels.


  4. I like your pantheon of commentators. They do get right to the point. The “God has a plan” people have been annoying me for years.



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