They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom to threaten our wivesJuly 13, 2010
“Have you heard the Mel Gibson goes batshit insane clips?” says Anonymous Doug.
“Yes, there are some crazy diamonds in there,” I say. “It was like he was showing he could still be that crazy guy from the Lethal Weapon movies.”
“Mel Gibson sounds like my grandma,” says Tina the Lesbian. “At least the racist clips do. I don’t think nana ever called anyone a cunt. At least not in English.”
“I must say the misogynistic parts were of a high quality,” says Anonymous Doug. “When he tells his wife ‘Shut the fuck up! You should just fucking smile and blow me! ‘Cause I deserve it,’ it’s a masterpiece of raging douchebaggery.”
“The most underrated part is when he says his wife’s friend would have blown him in five seconds, and that she doesn’t have any friends,” I say. “Then he admits that he doesn’t have any friends either. That is golden.”
“Not so much the part when he admits to hitting her and threatens to bury her in the rose garden, that’s actually scary,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But from here on out, all crazy rants will be judged on the Mel Gibson Psychotic Meter. Like the Bill O’Reilly freak out is a 0.6 on the scale because he reaches that point where he loses that controlled anger and goes into petulant primal rage, yet it lacked the misogyny and pure length of the Mel Gibson tirade. And the Alec Baldwin call to his daughter is only a 0.2 because while his ranting is self-entitled douchebaggery, it has a distinct lack of the word ‘cunt.'”
“Christian Bale’s rant gets a 0.4 because he tried to fight that guy he was yelling at,” I say. “But it lacks the pure fury of Mel Gibson. Bale wasn’t screaming about not being loved or that the guy he was yelling at had no soul.”
“I think if a woman sliced off my cock, I’d probably be justified in screaming at her like this,” says Anonymous Doug. “But the racist stuff still wouldn’t be called for… unless someone from that racial group cut my cock off. They’ll let the racist screaming slide when your dick’s on the floor.”
“Mel mentions that he left his wife because they had no spiritual connection,” says Tina the Lesbian. “And he doesn’t have one with his new wife either. What is this spiritual connection he’s seeking?”
“Sounds like blowjobs,” I say. “Or a woman who lets him beat her like she’s starring in Passion of the Christ. Those are my guesses.”
“I was going to say sharing his joy of racism,” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s how I think nana and pop-pop stayed married for all those years. You don’t stay married to someone who can fling out every racial slur in the book unless you’ve got some racist skills as well.”
Don’t sweat it, Mel. Roman Polanski raped a girl and he still gets to make movies. That sequel to Passion of the Christ can still happen. Just leave out the part of the script where Jesus rises from the dead and calls all the Romans greasy wop dagos. Italians have suffered enough with MTV’s Jersey Shore.