We’re only .0000001 percent of the Internet, but we’re the only place with Tag LarkinJuly 19, 2010
“Did you see that they’ve estimated 37 percent of the internet to be porn?” says Anonymous Doug.
“That seems kinda low actually,” I say. “But I guess in recent years the non-porn content of the internet has rocketed ahead, what with the advent of blogging and LOLcats and that guy from the Old Spice commercial.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure back in like 1995 the porn content of the Internet was up around 60 percent,” says Anonymous Doug. “And the rest of it was screaming matches on bulletin boards.”
“So how much of the 37 percent of the internet that is porn have you actually witnessed?” I say.
“A much lower number than you would think,” says Anonymous Doug. “Because I don’t pay for internet porn on general principle. Hell, I don’t even pay for internet access on general principle either. I leech the wi-fi off my neighbor, not that he knows I’m even there to begin with.”
“I admire your consistency,” I say.
“Yeah, I don’t want to look down at my credit card bill and see how much of my weekly budget was blown on lesbian Asian schoolgirl sites,” says Anonymous Doug.
“Yeah, you open that envelop, look at the bill and exclaim ‘Whoa, I spent more on amputee porn than I did on groceries!'” I say. “I would think seeing would not make you feel good about yourself or your carnal propensity for naked women who are missing limbs.”
“And if you don’t pay off those credit card charges quickly, then you have to pay those high interest rates,” says Anonymous Doug. “You could be paying off that gang bang site subscription for years, and that’s just ridiculous.”
“I’d like a breakdown of the porn,” I say. “How much of it is straight-up vanilla porn? Or gay porn? How much is fisting? Bondage? DVDA? Orgy? Watersports? Furries?”
Maybe we’re not ready for some of those answers.