Tag Larkin Turns The Wheel of the Year

August 3, 2010

As a late Lammas present to all our pagan readers, we present this thing we found on the tubes…

You know who’s interested in dating a Wiccan?  Think for a moment. Do you have it?

That’s right.  Tag Larkin.

Not because Tag Larkin has an interest in pre-Christian worship or a desire to return to nature, but because of the high priestess’s claim in the video that  if you’re lucky enough to date a Wiccan that afterward “the rest of the world will seem rather mundane by comparison.”

“Tag Larkin challenges the claim of this Wiccan!”  says Tag Larkin, throwing down the gauntlet, or in this case an expensive decorative serving bowl in a Sonoma-Williams, shattering it into tiny bits. “The rest of the world is mundane when placed next to Tag Larkin.  Flowers?  The miracle of birth?  Atomic power?  All boring next to the man you know as Tag Larkin. Tag Larkin once pulled a bouquet of roses from a woman’s vagina and then used the roses to blow up a Japanese city!”

So after Tag Larkin was ejected from the kitchenwares store, he went out looking for a Wiccan to test the claim that “once you date a witch, you never switch.”  But the only Wiccan he knows, or could be bothered to find, is our very own Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.

“Tag Larkin is on a date with you right now,”  Tag Larkin says to Avonia, who is watching the sunset in the park whilst sitting on a bench and sipping on a green tea frappaccino.

“No, I don’t think we are,”  says Avonia.  “We’ve been over this, I’m married.”

“Marriage doesn’t exist in science,”  says Tag Larkin.  “And Tag Larkin is dating you for science.”

“Is this the good science that gives us velcro and artificial hearts, or the bad science that gives us nerve gas and hymen reconstructive surgery?”  says Avonia.

“This is Tag Larkin science,” says Tag Larkin.  “And Tag Larkin is out to test the hypothesis of a High Priestess that after dating a Wiccan the rest of the world, and by proxy Tag Larkin, seems mundane.”

“So you want to date a Wiccan to see if the experience renders you normal and commonplace?”   Avonia says. “I don’t think I want any part of this.”

“But Tag Larkin has studied what Wiccans like on dates,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Tag Larkin watched the video twice and made Tag Larkin’s intern take notes.  And though Tag Larkin cannot go to the Renaissance Fair because of a tragic jousting incident still being litigated, Tag Larkin can take you for a walk in the woods.”

“Tag, I’m going to have to say sorry, but no,”  says Avonia.

“But Tag Larkin brought bikes and the moon with him,” says Tag Larkin.  “Tag Larkin also has a full gasoline can in the trunk of his car so you can dance by the fire of a burning Sonoma-Williams store that doesn’t appreciate how Tag Larkin stress-tests its merchandise.”

“Wiccans as a general rule tend to not find arson very arousing,”  says Avonia.

“So then we had better skip right to the sex,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Because when Tag Larkin bangs a witch, all she’ll do afterwards is twitch.”

“You know what, you’re right and the High Priestess is wrong,”  says Avonia.  “She should have said that the rest of the world, except for Tag Larkin, will seem more mundane after dating a Wiccan.  It was an error on her part and as a representative of the Wiccan community I present to you a humble apology for such a glaring oversight.”

“Tag Larkin is victorious yet again!”  says Tag Larkin, throwing a pair of triumphant fists into the air.  “Tag Larkin demands restitution!  Sexy restitution.   The kind that can be awarded in the backseat of Tag Larkin’s car.”

“How about I give you a free blowjob coupon for any of my hookers and we call it even, okay?”  says Avonia.

A win over mundanity and free oral sex from a busty Brazilian whore?  Only Tag Larkin could achieve such a high level of victory in such a short period of time.  Now you know that once you spend any time with Tag Larkin, the rest of the world becomes woefully inadequate and dull.  But if Tag Larkin is unavailable, say if he’s getting a hummer in the backseat of his car at the time, then try that dating a Wiccan thing, see if that works out.


  1. Tag Larkin could really get me humming

  2. if anyone attempted to take me to a RenFest on a date? i’d get medieval on his ass in a flash…

  3. The businesswoman in me is wondering what Avonia’s blowjob coupons look like.

  4. I’m rendered speechless, first by the incredible hubris of the High Priestess’ little chat, and then by the marvelous flights of hyperbole Tag Larkin indulged in.

    Speaking as a Wiccan, I can tell you Wiccans also like to go to rock concerts, drink margaritas on the beach (or anywhere else, for that matter), eat spicy food, drive fast hot cars across country, and any number of other things. Walking in the woods, riding bikes, my ass. Once you date a witch, you’ll never switch? Where did she pull that chestnut from?

    Of course, I don’t really know about dating wiccans, since I became one after I had been married to my present man for 2 years and we are still together. So I don’t know about dating, not having done it for over 28 years. I understand it is a jungle out there, or something.

  5. So what you’re saying is “Celebrating Lammas” has nothing to do with throwing parties where we get drunk and watch old episodes of Renegade.

  6. Check out my “fake fanny” post to see how things in the fake virginity world are going.

  7. Sounds like Tag got blown off. In a manner of speaking.

  8. Bad science… Pfffft, nerve gas is progress, next time Tag should tell that dirty hippy that!

  9. My ex wife was a real witch but she wasn’t Wiccan . . .

  10. I don’t know about this Wiccan Dating. I mean, are synthetic condoms okay? Or do you use lambskin and get AIDS but at least have some place to store your crystals if you strike out?

  11. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by raincoaster, Anth Wittrock. Anth Wittrock said: RT @raincoaster: Tips on Wiccan dating. Are synthetic condoms Wiccan-approved? Can you store your crystals in them? http://bit.ly/aL78VG […]

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