Food Stamp NinjasAugust 23, 2010
So if you watched the above video, you saw how two women dressed up as ninjas robbed a gas station. And with all ninja-related crime, we had to bring this to the attention of our friend Ninja Vicki.
“These are horrible ninjas,” says Ninja Vicki, disgusted at the footage. “They move with the grace of retarded oxen, they were easily seen on camera, and all they stole were cigarettes and lottery tickets. I don’t think they even knew how to use that sword and dagger they had with them. They probably just bought that stuff off the Home Shopping Network at 3am.”
“I know ninjas were originally lower-class warriors of Japan,” I say. “Fighting against upper class samurai at night while working the fields during the day. But this seems even lower class than usual for ninjas.”
“Yeah, these seem like Trailer Park Ninjas or Section 8 Housing Ninjas,” says Ninja Vicki. “Ninjas who only steal things that perpetuate the poverty they live in. Their next robbery will probably involve stealing forties of malt liquor and chewing tobacco, once they get the arm strength for it ’cause they were struggling real hard to get that trash bag of smokes and lottery tickets out of there.”
“I think I know how they’ll catch those fake ninjas,” I say. “They’ll spend all day scratching off those lottery tickets they stole, and they’ll find that they didn’t win the jackpot prize but they won a whole bunch of smaller $2 or $5 or $10 prizes. And then their dumbasses will take all of those winning tickets some place to cash them in, and then they’ll get busted because it’s really highly suspicious when you cash in like 50 lottery ticket scratch-offs at a time, especially in the aftermath of a big lottery ticket robbery.”
“Real ninjas would just steal people’s food stamps and unemployment checks out of their mailboxes without anyone seeing them,” says Ninja Vicki. “Social Security checks, disability checks, structured settlement checks, tax refunds. You have to do some research and scouting to figure out who’s getting what and when, but that’s what separates real ninjas like me from fake chunky-ass pseudo-ninjas running around in plain view swiping Virginia Slims and Pall Malls from gas stations.”
I wasn’t aware Ninja Vicki had a talent for forging signatures, but it does remind why I do direct deposit for everything.