Trivial Pursuit of Emergency Services

September 1, 2010

Our local Pub Quiz host quit being a Pub Quiz host the other week to get a real job as an emergency services dispatcher. The last one in town got shit-canned for answering every domestic abuse call with “All right, now tell me what you did to make your husband punch you in the face.”

The problem is that after years of writing questions for smart-asses in bars our new emergency dispatcher is sort of stuck in quiz mode, which does not translate well into emergency situations,  as seen in this 911 transcript.

OPERATOR: “911, what’s your emergency?”

CALLER: “Yes, I want to report some gunshots next door.  I think someone may be dead.”

OPERATOR: “Okay, are you somewhere safe?”

CALLER: “Yes, I’m hiding under my bed.”

OPERATOR: “All right, good.  Now what I need you to tell me is who was the man who shot Robert F. Kennedy at the Ambassador Hotel in 1968?”

CALLER: “What?  Kennedy?  I don’t…. I don’t get.”

OPERATOR: “Do you need me to repeat the question?”

CALLER: “No, I need you to send the cops and an ambulance because my neighbor may have just shot his wife!”

OPERATOR: “Understood, sir.  But speaking of wives, how many wives has talk show host Larry King had?”

CALLER: “Are you shitting me?  Are you fucking serious?”

OPERATOR: “Not at all, sir.  Just give me your address and the address that the famous TV family the Munsters lived on and I’ll send the police and paramedics right over.”

CALLER: “People may be dead, man!  Does that mean anything to you?”

OPERATOR: “That doesn’t mean they can’t play along too.  Now in what state is the original Night of the Living Dead movie said to be set in?”


OPERATOR: “The original Night of the Living Dead, not the remake.  Or the second remake. ”

CALLER: “I need the goddamn cops!”

OPERATOR: “And they’ll be on their way if you can tell me the name of the gay bar that routinely appears in the Police Academy movies?”

CALLER: “The Black Bear?”

OPERATOR: “No, it’s the Blue Oyster Bar.  The Blue Oyster Bar.”

CALLER: “Does this mean you’re not sending any help?”

OPERATOR: “It certainly means you shouldn’t double your score for this round.”

So now I’m waiting for the day when there’s a crisis of some sort, like a fire or a heart attack, because finally I’ll be able to use my awesome trivia powers to save someone’s life.  And then I’ll be able to tell someone that they’re only alive because I know that the name of the trophy given to the National Hockey League player for most gentlemanly play is called the Lady Byng Trophy.  Yeah, don’t bother to say thank you or anything while the paramedics wheel you into an ambulance that only showed up because of my pub quiz brilliance.  Heart attack-having cockwasher.



  1. Ah, now I understand that expression, “I couldn’t answer that question to save my life”.

  2. Cockwasher sounds like an interesting job.

  3. how are you with the category of “broadway”? i think you might need to put me on speed dial in case you need to phone a friend… i can also cover most questions about the periodic table, and menstruation.

    • Musicals are one of my weaknesses. But if you’ve got a good pub quiz team, you’ve got teammates who can cover each others’ deficiencies.

  4. We need that guy here. Most of the people around here who are calling 911 probably aren’t really an asset to the gene pool anyway.

  5. So I was prepared for all answers except for Larry King’s wives, so I’m fucking set in all emergency situations. Self high-five.

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