Do the bombs of a Pro-Lifer make you fertile instead of dead?September 14, 2010
As regular Renal Readers will know (and now you non-regular readers will know), Tina the Lesbian regularly suffers the panicked delusions of her neighbors Sean and Lucia Wheatley. Usually the topics are about gay marriage threatening their marriage, or gays threatening high school proms, or if mops are socialists, or if homosexuality is caused by demons, or if toaster ovens make you gay, or if Obama is a communist or a secret Muslim or a radical Christian (because he can’t be all three), or if gays are a bigger threat to America than terrorists, or if gays can cause earthquakes with their homo ways. You know, a whole lot of dumb shit they got off some asshole on the TV or the radio or the Internet.
Well, after all these years Tina the Lesbian has decided that her usual tactic of calmly and rationally dealing with the Wheatley’s hysterical and misinformed squealings just wasn’t working anymore, and has she decided that perhaps turnabout really is fair play instead of a meaningless cliche.
So there’s a knock at the door of the Wheatley’s house this evening, and Sean and Lucia find Tina on their doorstep.
“Stop trying to kill us!” Tina yells at them.
“Who?” says Sean Wheatley. “Who’s killing who and with what?”
“Pro-Lifers, they’re going to blow us up!” Tina says, really playing up the crazy.
“I don’t think we are,” says Lucia. “Did we miss something in the church bulletin.”
“Don’t act like you don’t know,” says Tina. “Didn’t you see the news about the Christian in New Hampshire who got caught trying to help plan a bombing on an abortion clinic? He called himself the Christian counterpart to Osama bin Laden. Christian Pro-Lifers are coming to murder us!”
“I don’t think the actions of one man should be used to paint a whole group,” says Sean Wheatley.
“Yeah, this seems like an isolated incident,” says Lucia Wheatley.
“What about the Dr. Tiller murder?” says Tina. “Or the Olympic bombing in Atlanta? You know there’s only two groups that have committed terrorism at the Olympic games: Palestinians and Pro-Lifers. Coincidence? There are no coincidences!”
“Oh my God!’ says Sean Wheatley. “You’re right.”
“We’re killers!” says Lucia Wheatley.
“Wait, what?” says Tina, not expecting the Wheatley’s to believe the bullshit she was throwing at them. “No, guys…”
“We’ve been so afraid of Muslims and gays and atheists killing us that we were blind to the truth,” says Sean Wheatley. “It’s like a bad mystery novel where you find out the detective in charge of the case is really the killer.”
“We’re our own Manchurian Candidates!” says Lucia Wheatley. “And what better way to hide our murderous ways than by calling ourselves Pro-Life!”
“No, you’re not supposed to agree with me,” says Tina the Lesbian. “You’re supposed to give yourself a migraine trying to unravel all the stupid shit I’m throwing at you that I don’t really believe.”
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it,” says Sean. “All that matters is that you said it and someone else believes it.”
“And we are people of faith, so we’ll believe anything,” says Lucia.
Tina leaves the Wheatley’s for her abode and her extra-strength migraine pills, her throbbing headache a painful reminder that you can’t fight the combined forces of scared and stupid.