I lit some incense once, but I didn’t inhaleSeptember 20, 2010
It’s a fact that there are no Wiccans or pagans in Congress, but there a chance a former witch could get elected in November: Republican nominee for the Senate in Delaware Christine O’Donnell.
Back when she used to go on TV to tell people not to masturbate, she said on Bill Maher’s show Politically Incorrect that she had “dabbled into witchcraft.” And with all things witch-related, I went to Avonia the Wiccan Pimp for more details.
“Considering the severe bent of her Christianity, her definition of witchcraft extends far beyond the Wiccan and pagan and pre-Christian rites communities,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “I’m willing to believe that, to her, if it doesn’t have Jesus it goes into the pagan/witchcraft category.
“She said she had a date with a witch that ended up on a Satanic altar,” I say. “You don’t own a Satanic altar, do you?”
“Wiccans don’t believe in Satan, so no I don’t have a Satanic altar,” says Avonia. “It sounds like she was dating the Hot Topic crowd rather than the Wiccan crowd. Mall Satanists who hate their parents.”
Side Note: They are certainly not these Satanists, who are our new favorite Satanists.
“She didn’t know until later it was a Satanic altar,” I say. “So I guess someone told her later, ‘Yeah, that was a Satanic altar we made out on. Does that get you hot?'”
“At one point in her rambling she says ‘I know what they told me they do,'” says Avonia. “I get the feeling that these so-called witches she was dating and hanging out with might have been screwing with her. Like ‘Oh yeah, we totally killed a puppy last night in praise of our dark lord and master.’ Either because they thought it would impress those panties of hers down around her ankles or just to mess with the loud, annoying proselytizing Jesus-head with the 80’s hair.”
“And it sounds like in that clip from ’99 that she was trying to say that she’s still a witch because once you dabble into the witchcraft you are indelibly stained to be a witch, no matter if you joined a coven or not,” I say.
“She talks about her brush with witchcraft like she was recalling past illicit drug use,” says Avonia. “Like she did a little coke in college, but she didn’t move on to heroin or crack so that mitigates doing the coke. But doing coke once or twice doesn’t make you a cokehead, and wearing a pentagram necklace and lighting a few candles while your friend reads some Anton LaVey out loud that one time in your bedroom doesn’t make you a witch either.”
“But there’s like a probationary period where you have to stop doing something before you can lose the title of someone who does that sort of thing,” I say. “Like if you were a whore for a long time and wanted people not to call you a whore, it would take a certain amount of time of you not fucking men for money before you could shed your whoreness.”
“So I would say if you dabbled in witchcraft and then didn’t do it for a month or two, you’re free of any witchness,” says Avonia. “I think Ms. O’Donnell has more than met that threshold to be declared witch-free.”
“But if she’s trying to lose the image that she’s an insane lady who says a lot of awful bat-shit crazy stuff, that’s going to take a lot longer,” I say. “Probably longer than her expected lifespan, ’cause she’s been riding that crazy train for a while.”
So there will not be a witch in Congress. I’m disappointed that O’Donnell probably won’t do any interviews addressing this witchcraft thing because I want to see how far the crazy hole goes. That’s one of the real thrills left on this planet: diving into the depths of human delusion… just as long as the deluded don’t get to hold any sort of power over people’s lives, then it’s a fuckmare of Lovecraftian proportions. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go out drinking with my half-cyborg cat friend who’s married to an Irish woman.