A Planet Where Cats Learn to Use Eminent DomainSeptember 21, 2010
“I want to run for high political office,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.
“Any position in particular?” I say.
“Something that will allow me to take over private property for my own plans,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.
“And what are those plans?” I say.
“Building cat villages,” says Bernie. “Like that guy in Florida who built the cat village for homeless cats.”
“So you want to kick humans out of their homes, thus making them homeless, so you can make cat villages for previously homeless cats,” I say. “Hmm… you’re not going to get a lot of votes running on that platform.”
“Maybe not as a Democrat, but I could definitely win the Republican primary with that platform,” says Bernie. “I’ll say I’m throwing these people in the street because they’re illegal Mexicans – or just regular Mexicans, ’cause they’re all the same to whitey. Or I’ll just say these people are terrorists on welfare planning to use their food stamps to build a mosque on the land so they can hate-fuck the Constitution. I can get at least 30 percent of the Republican vote just with that.”
“Yeah, but what if your opponent says that building cat villages for homeless cats is just another example of wasteful government spending,” I say.
“I will counter with a report from The Feline Heritage Institute stating that cat villages are cheaper than taking care of people who are on the public dole, thus reducing the deficit,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Mental note: create a think tank called The Feline Heritage Institute tomorrow.”
“But what about if your opponent says that these homeless cats should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and stop being burdens on society, dependent on government handouts to survive?” I say.
“Then I’m playing the species card,” says Bernie. “We don’t have bootstraps or boots, despite the offensive stereotype of Puss in Boots perpetuated by the human-centric media. That is species-ist hate speech and it has no place in our national discourse.”
“So your strategy is race-baiting, class-warfare, making up a think tank to fabricate data, and calling everyone a racist against cats if they disagree with you?” I say.
“That or I just do that cute cat thing where I nuzzle people’s legs, do a little meow, and they lapse into stupid baby talk about how cute I am and forget all that other bad shit,” says Bernie.
“You know, you’ve got this politics thing down pretty good,” I say. “If you can keep those skeletons in your closet hidden, you’ll be good.”
“What skeletons?” says Bernie.
“Well, there was that illegal dog fighting ring you ran with Michael Vick,” I say. “Followed by that illegal canary fighting ring you ran on your own. There was the time you killed a bald eagle. There was the 17-year old meth addict you wanted to keep as a pet but your wife wouldn’t let you so you had to shoot her in the backyard. And speaking of your wife, she’s a constant drunk with ties to the Irish Republican Army. The bad one, not the one that has the peace talks with Britain.”
“Hmm… maybe I’ll just become a banker, foreclose on everyone’s properties, then grant myself the loans to build the cat villages,” says Bernie.
It’s a better plan than running for political office, and more likely to produce a cat village or two within our lifetimes.