Look at the kittens… now eat our sandwiches!

September 24, 2010

“From now on, all we eat in this house is Quiznos Subs!”  declares Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat to his wife Marlie.

“I’m nat ganna eat feckin’ averpraiced sandwaches all the gaddam time, Bearnie,”  says Marlie, drinking whiskey out of a coffee pot as usual because she’s more Irish than Irish.

“That’s why there’s the value menu,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “You have many options and they’re all affordably priced.”

“The classest Quiznas is twentay minates away fram ar’ hause,”  says Marlie.  “I can walk to the feckin’ gracery stare in less time, and fer the same price get enough meat and veg and patatoes ta make e’naff Irish stew ta last a full gaddam week.”

“No, we must support Quiznos or else they won’t make any more commercials featuring kittens blowing your mind,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Now let’s go buy some deli subs.”

“Ya can’t even eat a feckin’ sub, Bearnie,” says Marlie.  “Ya can’t grab the sandwich with yer little kitty paws.”

“Woman, you buy me an Italian hoagie right now!”  says Bernie.

It’s at this point that Marlie draws a butterfly knife out from her bathrobe and tells Bernie she’ll get his “gaddam Etalian Saab” for him after she carves “5, 4, 3” into his furry hide.  And Bernie responds with deploying the laser cannon that hides in his hip and shooting a hole in her coffee pot, making her whiskey to pour out to the floor.  Moments later, the neighbors call the cops regarding a domestic disturbance regarding yelling, laser fire, and explosions.  The situation is resolved when the cops deliver Bernie a Quiznos sub and confiscate Marlie’s nail bombs.  I’m sure Bernie and Marlie had make-up sex soon after.




  2. maybe if quiznos gets a liquor license marlie will see the light?

  3. Can we have make up sex now RF?

    • Don’t you have to have a fight first? Or are you just saving time and getting to the good part. . .

      • Not necessarily. The good nurse and I could be having make up sex to make up for all those years we weren’t having before.

  4. I can’t believe I got suckered into actually watching a commercial. This is why I have a DVR, so I can zip through them. And my question is, why does this commercial make anyone want to eat at Quiznos? Is Bernie a closet kittenphile or something? What will happen if Marnie finds out, will she neuter him with her broken coffee pot? Inquiring minds want to know.

  5. Ummmm, why do I like this post so much? I can’t stop saying “feckin'”

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