Take Me to Tag LarkinSeptember 28, 2010
So the United Nations has this idea where they’re going to appoint someone to be a space ambassador, that when the aliens come from galaxies away to visit our planet, we can point to this person and say “You’ll want to talk to them.” The position looks to be filled by Mazlan Othman, the head of the UN Office for Outer Space Affairs and an astrophysicist from Malaysia. I think our unemployed friend Mikka applied for this position as well, but never made it out of the initial consideration stage, much to his dismay. The man just can’t catch a break on his job hunt.
But if the world is really serious about deciding who should be our representative when the aliens come to Earth, they should look right here to Renal Failure because we’ve got the perfect person for the job…
We shouldn’t send some academic smart person to meet the aliens. That won’t impress them. We need to send the most awesome human being to ever walk this planet, so that the aliens won’t think they can just push us around when orbit the Earth in their massive motherships. Like Stephen Hawking said: “Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they could reach. If so, it makes sense for them to exploit each new planet for material to build more spaceships so they could move on. Who knows what the limits would be?” Now who do you want standing in front of these alien bastards to let them know they won’t be plundering us? Some astrophysicist or Tag Larkin?
When it comes to aliens, every day is Independence Day for Tag Larkin.
Oh sure, Othman might have a lot of honors and accomplishments, but not as many as Tag Larkin. Director of the Malaysian Space Program? Please… Tag Larkin is the director of wanting to beat up the moon. That’s the kind of visionary we need to meet the aliens when they get here. We need someone who won’t be gobsmacked in the face of a race with superior technology? Othman will want to talk to the aliens about how they fuel their ships, their medical advances, and their culture. That stuff doesn’t impress Tag Larkin. Tag Larkin wants to know where on their females Tag Larkin should aim his penis for maximum fuck-action.
Because with Tag Larkin, it’s not “E.T. Phone Home.” It’s “E.T. Bone Home.”
So we’re going to write to the UN to make them nominate Tag Larkin as their official “Take me to your leader” person, because for damn sure I’ll feel a lot better about the flying saucers landing on my planet knowing that Tag Larkin is going out to greet the aliens with a 24-pack of tall boys and shopping bag full of condoms.