When “Saturday Night Special” means something completely differentOctober 5, 2010
Did you know Renal Failure is about solutions? No? That’s probably because you haven’t read our almost 1,600 posts here in the past four years. Get to work on that, jackass. Call out of work if you have to.
Anyway, previously here at Renal Failure we came up with a way to guarantee that gay marriage would become legal in most states: by hitching it to the medical marijuana movement. And also in a very recent post here our own Anonymous Doug suggested that we arm the autistic so that they will not be pushed around by politicians who speak of autism using “scare quotes,” such as Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle, because the strongest lobby in America is the National Rifle Association.
In the wake of the Tyler Clementi suicide and a batch of other suicides over anti-gay bullying, it has become clear that for the good of all gay Americans we need to not only arm our nation’s homosexuals to the teeth but we also must make all guns gay too. We need to make owning firearms the gayest thing ever. We need gays from San Francisco to Key West packing more heat than fudge. We need that Adam Lambert dude from American Idol to make Ted Nugent’s love of firearms seem quaint. We need to turn the Lilith Fair into the biggest lesbian gun show since the 2001 Global Lesbian Bodybuilding Championship Extravaganza that I imagined watching during a flu-induced fever dream (it might have just been an episode of The Facts of Life).
Hey NASCAR redneck, do you carry a glock? Well, you might as well be carrying one of those tiny toy dogs. Is that cooler full of Bud Light or wine coolers? And that arsenal in your survival bunker for when the communist Muslims come for you? It is now the equivalent of owning more gay porn than your local porn shop. Man, Liberace wasn’t even THAT gay. Going down to the gun range? More like going down to a highway rest stop for a little glory hole action. Rest stops have stalls, gun ranges have stalls, can’t be coincidence. Put on some Bear Force One, squeeze off a few rounds of your Beretta, put your dick in that hole and make a new friend.
Yeah, you can have their guns when you pry them from their gay, well-manicured hands! Smell that finger. Where’s it been? On the trigger of a Colt Single Action Army .45, the finest handgun ever made and also the clearest sign of your desire for lesbian relations. Oh, and if you have a carry-and-conceal license you can use it to get into any Ani DeFranco concert for free. For dudes, though, it’s into any performance of Mama Mia.
If the axiom that a well-armed society is a polite society is true, then making it so every gay is carrying a gun should provide an epic drop in anti-gay bullying in our nation’s schools. Are you going to call that skinny kid a fag if you know he can unload a whole clip center mass on you faster than you can say Clay Aiken? If successful, our plan will render nation-wide acceptance of homosexuals quicker than the muzzle velocity of AR-15 rifle, which if you own one is now a secret gay code saying that you like being peed on (if you own an AK-47, you like doing the peeing). And as a bonus, gay marriage will get penned in as an addendum to the second amendment of the Constitution.
And if this gaying of guns plan doesn’t work, then perhaps it will severely mitigate the obvious fetish that many American have with guns, making them see firearms more as tools for a purpose instead of status symbols and security blankets with which to hide their multitude of anxieties and shortcomings behind. You might cling to your gay-hating God and your guns, but when the guns go gay which G will you let go of? The one that keeps you out of Hell or the one that keeps the government off your land?
It’s amazing what awesome plans you can come up with after spending your whole day drinking bleach.