It’s like Groundhog Day, except Punxsutawney Phil likes man ass

October 11, 2010

So it’s National Coming Out Day, which means different things for different people.  For Tina the Lesbian, it means volunteering for various gay pride activities and then getting half-off drink specials at her favorite lesbian bar ClamLappers.  For Sean and Lucia Wheatley, it’s sort of like Passover where if they stay inside and smear Budweiser on their door then the Angel of Gay will not visit them, because the Angel of Gay has better taste in alcohol.

For Tag Larkin, however, it’s marching up and down the streets with a giant drum and yelling “Bring out your gay!”

“Tag, what are you doing?”  asks Tina the Lesbian, on a break from one of her volunteer gigs.

“Tag Larkin is going to win National Coming Out Day by making the most gays come out,”  says Tag Larkin.

“It’s not a contest,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “It’s a day of awareness regarding issues facing gays and transgenders.”

“And Tag Larkin is doing just that, with a drum,”  says Tag Larkin, holding up his drumsticks. “You are very aware of Tag Larkin’s drum.”

“You don’t need a drum to make people aware that it’s okay to be open about who you are,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“But Tag Larkin can’t play any other instrument,”  says Tag Larkin.  “Guitar strings are no match for Tag Larkin’s powerful strumming.  And Tag Larkin’s powerful lungs once made a clarinet explode.”

“No, I mean that drumming and yelling loudly in the street is not going to make anyone feel more comfortable about coming out of the closet,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“But if Tag Larkin isn’t drumming and yelling loudly, how will the gays in the closet know it’s time to come out?”  says Tag Larkin.  “Tag Larkin can’t whisper in the street.  The gays won’t hear Tag Larkin from deep inside their closets full of winter coats and thick sweaters that absorb sound.”

“No, it’s not an actual closet,” says Tina the Lesbian.  “It’s a metaphor.”

“Tag Larkin will destroy all metaphors!’  says Tag Larkin, furiously drumming.  “Tag Larkin has already disposed of all similes.  And innuendo and hyperbole are next on Tag Larkin’s list.”

“Okay, that’s nice, but it’s not going to make any homosexual-in-hiding feel any more comfortable about revealing who they really are to friends and family,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“What more can Tag Larkin do for these people?”  says Tag Larkin.  “Tag Larkin has gone the extra mile for them.  Tag Larkin bought a drum, Tag Larkin is yelling in the streets, yet still they hide and refuse to follow Tag Larkin.  What is it that they want?”

“Understanding… compassion… acceptance…”  says Tina the Lesbian.

*blink*  *blink*

“Tag Larkin has a drum,”  says Tag Larkin.

Well, it’s more than what most people have.



  1. October 12th is National “Bully Freshly-Outed Gays” day. Maybe Tag can use his drumsticks to go after a few bullies…

  2. I wondered for a second if Tag Larkin could make people feel better if he stopped talking about himself in the third person.

    But then I thought about it, and I realized that wouldn’t make anyone feel better.

  3. Send Tag Larkin over to me. I think he needs distracting.

  4. Tag Larkin is nothing if not totally focused. . .

  5. I would say that if anyone is prone to hyperbole, it’s Tag Larkin. Then again, Tag Larkin always follows through.

    I’m surprised he didn’t go after hyperbole first.

    • Because Tag Larkin took out irony too.

  6. Does he do “The Little Drummer Boy” at Christmas?

    • Tag Larkin doesn’t do anything “little.”

  7. I’d come so far out of the closet for Tag Larkin that I’d actually be catapulted into another closet. But it would be nicer, with better lighting and more room for my shoes.

    • Stand aside sista – I’ve got first dibs on Tag Larkin

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