You are not a witch and you are certainly not Tag LarkinOctober 18, 2010
Some weeks back, we did a post on Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s ramblings back in the 90’s about how she once made out with a guy on a Satanic altar and hung out with witches and how those sorts of dalliances into the occult leave you branded as a witch forever, at least that’s how it works according to her. Yeah, Avonia the Wiccan Pimp didn’t much care for O’Donnell’s mindless dribbling (“I know what they told me”) and conflating paganism and Satanism, but this time around it is our own Tag Larkin who takes offense with Ms. O’Donnell, specifically at O’Donnell’s rebuttal ad to the crazy shit she herself had said before.
I’m not a witch. I’m nothing you’ve heard. I’m you. None of us are perfect, but none of us can be happy with what we see around us. Politicians who think spending and trading favors and backroom deals are the ways to stay in office. I’ll go to Washington and do what you’d do. I’m Christine O’Donnell and I approve this message. I’m you.
“You are not Tag Larkin!” declares Tag Larkin right before he puts his foot through the computer monitor.
We ask Tag Larkin to elaborate on that, otherwise this would be a very short post.
“Tag Larkin is perfect,” says Tag Larkin. “Tag Larkin makes no mistakes because Tag Larkin always does what Tag Larkin means to do. If Tag Larkin stumbles into your house and pisses in your kitchen sink, it’s not because Tag Larkin was drunk and mistakenly thought your house was Tag Larkin’s house. It’s because Tag Larkin was drunk and knew damn well this wasn’t Tag Larkin’s house. You are not Tag Larkin!”
Christine O’Donnell’s position on drunken stumblings into other people’s houses and urinating in their kitchen sinks is unknown at this time.
“Tag Larkin trades favors all the time,” says Tag Larkin. “If you give Tag Larkin twenty bucks, Tag Larkin won’t fight your car. Tag Larkin is undefeated against all vehicles. Coupes, sedans, SUVs, pick-up trucks, Winnebagos. Tag Larkin destroys everything. You are not Tag Larkin!”
Christine O’Donnell has not returned our calls about her record on fighting motor vehicles, because we don’t have her phone number. We do however have the number to the local Dress Barn, but those stuck-up bitches keep hanging up on us.
“This woman will not do what Tag Larkin would do in Washington,” says Tag Larkin. “Tag Larkin will dickslap every monument in our nation’s capital to prove his dominance. Lincoln Memorial? Tag-slapped. Washington Monument? Welcome to TagSlapville, population you. Vietnam Veterans Memorial? Tag Larkin will run a dickslap down the whole length of that wall without any chafing. So unless this woman is going to grow her own dick, drink a case of tallboys, and start dickslapping iconic architecture commemorating our nation’s history then she is clearly not going to do what Tag Larkin would do in Washington. You are not Tag Larkin!”
Tag Larkin expects an apology from the O’Donnell campaign forthwith, as do the other Renal Failure players that Christine O’Donnell is definitely not.