The connection between your sexual preference and your constant Jack Daniels-fueled blackouts

October 19, 2010

Usually it’s the candidates running for office in the House of Representatives that say that craziest shit because they only have to worry about getting votes from their particular district, which is likely to be populated by a majority of crazy people who vote en masse, while Senators have to worry about the entire state, of which a lot more non-crazy people may live and vote.  But this year it seems the crazies are setting their sights higher and going for the Senate.

Case in point:  Republican candidate Ken Buck on a recent edition of Meet the Press had this exchange with animatronic puppet David Gregory.

GREGORY: In a debate last month, you expressed your support for don’t ask, don’t tell, which we talked about with Mr. Gibbs. And you alluded to lifestyle choices. Do you believe that being gay is a choice?

BUCK: I do.

GREGORY: Based on what?

BUCK: Based on what?

GREGORY: Yeah, do you believe that?

BUCK: Well, I guess you can choose who your partner is.

GREGORY: You don’t think it’s something that’s determined at birth?

BUCK: I think that birth has an influence over it, like alcoholism and some other things, but I think that basically you have a choice.

To further discuss the concept of homosexuality as being like alcoholism we’ve assembled our own in-house gay, Tina the Lesbian, and our in-house alcoholic, Anonymous Doug.

“As Mitch Hedberg once said ‘Alcoholism is a disease but it’s the only disease you can be yelled at for having,'”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Damn it Tina, you’re an alcoholic.  Damn it Tina, you’re a lesbian.  One of these two doesn’t sound right.”

“My alcoholism has caused me to not show up to work on numerous occasions,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I don’t know anyone who has ever called out gay to work.”

“Colorado was where that Ted Haggard preacher guy was from who kept railing about gays until they found out he was doing gay stuff,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Plus it’s home of that Focus on the Family group that says gays can be cured by the power of Jesus.  So maybe the state’s economy runs on the bullshit industry of ex-gay counseling and they have to keep that lie up that it works or else the whole state will turn into a third world country.”

“And Colorado is the home of Coors’ Brewing too,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Their beer is cheap pisswater so I guess it’s the choice of the non-discerning alcoholic with no taste who has a lot of time on their hands to get drunk off a 30-pack.  But I’m a functioning alcoholic who has shit to do, so I can’t be messing around with weak beer.  That’s why there’s rum.”

“I would say Christianity is more like alcoholism than homosexuality,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “The blood of Christ is wine.  You can literally get drunk on Jesus.”

“I’ve gotten drunk girls to kiss each other,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “But they were doing that for free drinks so you can’t get drunk off being gay, but you can get drunk by getting guys to buy you drinks for doing hot lesbian stuff.  I don’t think that makes you an alcoholic anymore than it makes you gay.”

PRO TIP:  The next time someone asks you if being gay is a choice, answer “no, it’s not a choice” because if you answer “yes” every explanation you come up with to support that answer will make you sound like an idiot.



  1. I have twice called in gay to work. One time I got away with it because I had been having sex with Jesus. The other time they fired me because the place was a gays-only tattoo removal parlor.

    • In the latter case, you should have called out straight to work. “Yeah, I can’t come in. I like vagina all of a sudden.”

  2. I’ve already got an in-house gay. Where do I find an in-house alcoholic? I want a classy one please.

    • i could be your in-house alcoholic, but i have a problem with blowing chunks after a half litre of whisky. would that be ok?

      • I might make you switch to vodka

  3. Still laughing. This is the only place I can come and read about political issues and come away both amused and outraged at the same time.

  4. is blogging a choice as well? or are some of us (okay, well, everyone else but me) born to it?

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