Wiccans don’t need smart bombs, they can cast magic missile from their jets

October 25, 2010

Contrary to popular belief, Wiccans cannot summon giant dragons from the moon…

If you’ve been following the religious news over the past years then you’ve heard about the problems with the Air Force Academy in Colorado turning into a sort of Jesus Camp, where either you love the evangelical Asshole Jesus who hates everyone else not in his club or you get ostracized by not just your classmates but your superiors as well.  Well, they’ve been trying to fix that lately and Wiccans have made some strides in the Academy by getting their own site to worship (which then had a cross put on the site by some jag-off whose emptiness of soul and joy wouldn’t allow him to let the Wiccan have a fucking circle of rocks without expressing the Gospel of Asshole Jesus).

Note: Like how there’s many incarnations of superheroes like Spiderman and Batman and the X-Men depending on the writers and artists, there are many incarnations of Jesus.  Think of Asshole Jesus as the Billy Zabka version of Jesus, except even more of an asshole than Zabka was in the films where he was the quintessential asshole of the 80’s and thus one of our greatest living actors.  And the followers of Asshole Jesus are like that Cobra Kai guy who yells “Get him a body bag, Yeah!”

Now it seems like the Wiccan ranks at the Academy have grown enough to warrant their own article on Wired.com about Wiccans in the Academy and, more importantly, if they can indeed cast spells.

Two other unnamed pagan cadets offered a spirited defense of the power of magic.

“If I put out a healing spell — say, I wanted to heal you from pizza poisoning — if it doesn’t work for you, but it works for somebody else, does that mean it didn’t work?” one cadet asked.

“But also keep in mind that magic doesn’t necessarily mean miracles,” another said. “Say you have cancer, and someone does a healing spell for you. It doesn’t mean the cancer disappears overnight. It could mean your doctor thinks up a different treatment.”

I thought it wise to follow up on this information with Avonia the Wiccan Pimp to verify whether these statements had any merit to them or were just maddening blather that I usually hear from the Asshole Jesus crowd, Scientologists, and those people who thought they could get on a hidden spaceship behind the Hale-Bopp comet by killing themselves.

“I don’t know what pizza poisoning is,”  Avonia says.  “What is that?  That sounds like something you should call the poison control center about rather than go through the effort of preparing a rite to the goddess to help you.”

“I had alcohol poisoning once,”  I say.  “If pizza poisoning is anything like that, put down the candle and incense and make sure I don’t choke on my own pepperoni-scented vomit.”

Apparently according to urban dictionary it’s an sort of jinx where you eat pizza and then are unable to accomplish something.  We suspect it’s like “The Itis,” except it’s for people who can’t get a hold of barbecue ribs or soul food.  Like Italians.

“I don’t think it’s very constructive to cast a spell for someone just because they’re sleepy from hogging out on pizza, or any food for that matter,”  says Avonia.  “You should be invoking the spirits of nature for things like strength, or inspiration, or serenity.  Or to ward off bad spirits who drain you of your vitality and energy.  Not so much so can quickly digest that whole large Papa John’s Meat Lovers pizza you ate all by yourself.”

“Also this cadet makes it sound like Wiccans have really bad aim with their spells,”  I say.  “Or is casting magic like playing Battleship against a dyslexic who thinks A3 is really J10 and he moves his ships around every turn?  How am I supposed to take a faith seriously when it’s like some fucked-up Kafkaesque version of a Milton Bradley game?  I never hear anything that suggests Judaism is like a game of UNO except all you get are Draw Four Wild cards, or that Islam is like Pop-o-Matic Trouble except every so often the board explodes.”

“The second cadet seems to have a somewhat better understanding of Wiccan magic,”  says Avonia.  “Though I hate his example with the cancer.”

“Is that guy saying that if you don’t have someone do a healing spell for you then your oncologist won’t be competent?”  I say.  “That’s less of a healing spell and more of a spell against medical malpractice.  Like a magic spell is going to remind your doctor ‘Oh wait, there’s also this way we can treat cancer that I almost forgot about despite all my years of medical training.’  Which god or goddess is in charge of that?  And don’t say Brigid because I’m sick of her being the goddess of everything else that no one else took.  It’s lazy mythology, that’s what that is.”

I will say this, casting spells seems a bit more proactive than prayer.  Casting spells is like going to the Home Depot and getting 2×4’s and caulk to fix your shit up yourself whereas prayer is like sending an IT Service Request Ticket to God and hoping he gets around to fixing the work computer that is your shitty life.

“I’m glad Wicca’s getting some attention, especially in our nation’s military academies,”  says Avonia.  “I just wish the attention was… more eloquent.”

“Yeah, that’s what happens when you have a faith with a decentralized authority structure,” I say.  “Any yahoo in the coven can just say shit and give people the wrong impression, like your religion is based upon casting spells like some sort of cross-eyed Hogwarts student that Asshole Jesus would knock down in the hallway because he’s Asshole Jesus and can get away with that sort of bullshit, especially since the cross-eyed Hogwarts kid can’t aim his spells worth shit.”

Also coming soon in stores: Drama Queen Allah, Self-Entitled Douchebag Moses, and Too Good To Talk To You Anymore Vishnu.  None of them will help you with your pizza poisoning.



  1. Pizza poisoning. I have that. I know I do.

    Can you get Fruit Roll-Up Poisoning too?

    • Considering the amount of sugar in Fruit Roll-Ups, I think the only poisoning they’ll give you is diabetes. But who needs feet?

  2. I want to play Pop-O-Matic Trouble with Tag Larkin

    • Tag Larkin plays Jenga and removes the bricks from the tower by slapping them with his cock. And if he wins… well, I think you’ll be losing on purpose so he can claim his prize.

      • *swoon*

  3. The best way to free yourself from religious stupidity is not to point out that it’s stupid, but rather, to invent your own religious stupidity as a demonstration of how stupid religious stupidity is. That’s what the Wiccans did, right? I mean, tehy weren’t serious. Surely.

    • Metaphorically speaking, Wiccans are like a hipster subdivision. It’s like the friend who discovered old school jazz that everyone else stopped listening to and now that’s all they listen to and everything else past a certain point is crap. This would make Christianity your Pop and Top 40 radio station, Judaism your classical music station that’s been around forever, and Islam your World music station that some of your friends listen to on occasion but that you just can’t get into for whatever reason.

    • L. Rob Hunnard (as my ex used to call him) must have been thinking that when he invented Scientology, only the profits were too copious to resist.

  4. looks like you used your +7 keyboard of power to pwn this post.

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