The Unemployed Life is Full of Panic Attacks

October 28, 2010

Mikka’s been without a job since he got laid off from the wonton soup factory in May.  He hasn’t had much luck finding a new job so far, the competition out there being as fierce as it is, but he did score an interview the other day.

“And how did it go?”  Samurai Cathy asks him.

Mikka shakes his head and sighs.  “I had a mini-freakout.”

“You kept your clothes on, right?”  says Samurai Cathy.

“Yeah, but I still had a freak-out,”  says Mikka.  “I was talking to the manager guy and he starts telling me about the job in the egg roll stuffing plant and what it involves and he asks if I think I can do it.  And all of a sudden I got blindsided with a panic attack, like I just wanted to jump and scream ‘No, I can’t do it!   I’m a utter fraud!  My resume is lies and I have none of the skills you need and it’s only a matter of time until you discover that!'”

“And did you do that?”  says Samurai Cathy.

“No, I threw down a flashbang stun grenade and ran out of the building,”  says Mikka.  “So I won’t be getting the job.”

“Where did you get a stun grenade?”  says Samurai Cathy.

“Tag Larkin gave it to me as a token of appreciation for his forcing me to be his intern,”  says Mikka.

“Why did you bring a stun grenade to a job interview?”  says Samurai Cathy.

“If terrorists invaded during the interview I could use it to help me and the person hiring me escape,”  says Mikka.  “Then I’d get the job for sure.”

“Did Tag Larkin tell you to do that?”  says Samurai Cathy.

“He says that’s how he got his job at the Apple Store,” says Mikka.  “I don’t know if they fired him because he was banging women on the Genius Bar or because he forgot he worked there and stopped going to work, but he’s not there anymore.”

And so it’s another Netflix date night for Mikka and Samurai Cathy.  But at least a 12-pack of condoms cost less than a large combo meal at Burger King.



  1. I would do anything Tag Larkin told me to do

    • even if you do, i’d still suggest you demand that flash-stun grenade. ’tis the season and all…

  2. Mikka could stuff any eggroll, anywhere, anytime. Upside down and one hand behind his back. He just needs to get his mental mojo back… Maybe some time in Tag Larkin Interview School isn’t a bad idea!

    • Mikka’s not quite as bold as the other Renal Failure Players, despite dating a samurai. But Tag Larkin can show him the way.

  3. Thank God they make 12 packs of condoms. Bulk buy all the way.

    Did you say there’s a Wonton Soup Factory?? Umm, I’m sorry about the firing, but I might have to hit that up. Sounds interesting.

  4. Woah – I mean the “letting go.”

    • Yup, there definitely IS a difference. “Letting go” means you get to collect unemployment and possibly a severance package to coast on during these lean times. “Firing” means no money from the government and suspicious security men escorting you from the building while everyone else still working avoids eye contact with you.

  5. Last time I brought a stun grenade to a job interview, it backfired and I woke up in jail with a 5’1″ 250 pound female truck driver named Queen Edna.

    • And you were disappointed that she wasn’t Large Marge, right? But hey, at least you made a new friend with a caring touch.

  6. I’d freak out if I was being interviewed for a job in an egg roll factory. I can recall at least one job interview where the stun grenade would have been quite useful; too bad I didn’t know Tag Larkin at the time.

    • Tag Larkin buys his stun grenades in bulk. Well, Tag Larkin doesn’t necessarily “buy,” it’s more like “helps himself without remuneration.”

      • Tag Larkin is a Man with a Plan. . .

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