No more being on the doleNovember 9, 2010
After months of unemployed drudgery, Mikka has finally landed a job as a lo mein noodle technician at the Lo Mein Noodle plant in Chin-Finn town, our Chinese/Finnish neighborhood.
“Samurai Cathy convinced me I didn’t need to bring the stun grenade to the interview,” Mikka said as we celebrate with a round of vodka and Windex shooters. “And apparently I feel a lot more at ease during an interview when I don’t have an explosive in my pocket.”
“So now you can afford to eat food that’s not Top Ramen anymore,” I say.
“I just hope I can handle working with lo mein noodles,” says Mikka. “I’ve spent so many years with wonton soup, and I spent so much time out of work. I’m worried I won’t get anything right.”
“Well, even if that happens at least you’ll get out of the house for a while and replenish your savings account in the meantime,” I say. “It’s still real rough out there for the unemployed.”
But one person isn’t very happy about Mikka finding work, and that person is Ninja Vicki.
“I was hoping Samurai Cathy would eventually break up with him for not having a job for so long,” Ninja Vicki says. “Then I’d be able to kill Cathy and not only would you all not be mad at me for doing that, you’d be fucking ecstatic about it.”
“So you wanted Mikka to stay unemployed and hungry and poor because it might make Samurai Cathy dump him like the girl in Cee-Lo’s Fuck You song, creating a scenario where you could not only kill your bloody enemy but do so to the thunderous applause of your friends?” I say.
“Dude, when you say it like that I sound like an awful person,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Hey, if you got a job I’d be happy for you,” says Mikka to Ninja Vicki.
“I have a job, it’s called being a ninja,” says Ninja Vicki. “I work on commission.”
“The commission of felonies,” I comment.
“Hey, I could get a job if I wanted,” Ninja Vicki says. “If Tag Larkin can get a job, so can I.”
It should be noted that Tag Larkin does not apply for jobs, Tag Larkin just shows up and takes them. And not just open positions, but jobs currently filled by people. That’s how Tag Larkin got to manage a Diary Queen for a week; he just showed up, declared himself the manager, and threw the former manager into the trunk of his car. Though his reign was short-lived, his “Handjobs for Hot Fudge Sundaes” promotion was arguably the best marketing campaign ever.
“You wouldn’t last two days out there,” Mikka says. “It’s a madhouse out there on the job market. There’s so much competition for so few spots.”
“That just means more people for me to slice in half,” Ninja Vicki says, inadvertently revealing her plan to reduce unemployment in our town before throwing down a smoke ball and disappearing, presumably to work on her resume.
To be continued…