Your Bloody Reign as HR Director is at an End!November 17, 2010
A brief recap:
Tina the Lesbian’s job at the insurance company she works for has been complicated by Ninja Vicki’s desire to have a career, an ambition born solely from Mikka saying that she couldn’t have a career. And being the spiteful person Ninja Vicki is, she just had to prove him wrong, even though she really had no desire to have a career outside of being a ninja. So using the only career development book she could find – that being “Tag Larkin’s Fuck Your Career in the Face: A Guide to Managing Your Career While Not Wearing Pants” – Ninja Vicki staged a coup of the mailroom at Tina the Lesbian’s place of employment and knifed her way to Director of Human Resources where she terminates more than people’s jobs. And seeing how every person Ninja Vicki dispatches means their work now falls to Tina, our lesbian friend has no choice but call upon the one person would could stop Ninja Vicki’s reign of blood and pink slips.
And now we continue…
Samurai Cathy strolls into the office with her usual samurai swagger, fingers lightly touching the hilt of the sword at her waist. The usual drone of office life doesn’t move her. The clicking of keyboards, the ringing of phones, the glug of the water cooler… these noises she expects. It’s what’s out of place that gets her ear twitching, a scurrying flutter in the drop ceiling above her. So when a sword comes stabbing down through the acoustic ceiling tile at her, she easily steps aside and stabs back up with her own blade, missing Ninja Vicki as she comes tumbling down to the carpet and rolls to a safe distance away to face her blood rival.
“Bloody piss-hole!” Ninja Vicki hisses, noticing the superficial cut on her arm. “What the motherfuck are you doing here, Catherine?”
“I’m here to ask you to peacefully resign your position as HR director, Victoria,” Samurai Cathy says, sword cocked back, her red ponytail flapping from the climate vent grill being knocked off during the initial strike with Ninja Vicki.
“And if I refuse?” Ninja Vicki says.
“Then we do what we’ve been doing since high school,” Samurai Cathy says, her high-top sneakers digging into the carpet as she gets in her fighting stance.
“Oh, you mean me kicking your ass?” Ninja Vicki says, leaping on top of one of the desk and drawing a shuriken from her belt. “What happened to us not fighting each other because you’re dating a mutual friend?”
“Mikka said I could kill you as an early anniversary present,” Samurai Cathy says, reminding everyone that Mikka and Cathy will have been dating for three years come late December. “I think he and everyone else are tired of your bullshit. No one likes you, Victoria.”
Ninja Vicki snarls as she whips the throwing star at Samurai Cathy, who deflects it with her blade. Vicki leaps to another desk and throws another shuriken, which also gets deflected. At this point Ninja Vicki wishes she had learned that bubbles-from-the-vagina attack we had discussed in September because that move never misses. “Damn it! People like me! You’re the one no one likes. What do you contribute? You have no comedic timing. You’re overly stoic and wooden. You’re not particularly clever either. If you weren’t banging Mikka no one would care about you.”
“I provide a counter-balance to you,” Samurai Cathy says, swinging at Ninja Vicki’s legs. Ninja Vicki jumps to the top of a cubicle wall. “I’m mentally-healthy and balanced, so I don’t go and pull shit like getting an office job just because someone said I couldn’t.”
“Exactly! You’re boring!” Ninja Vicki says, pointing her sword at Cathy. “Everyone knows what Catherine’s going to do. She’s dependable. She’s reliable. But me? I’m unpredictable. I’m fun. And that’s why I’m more popular than you.”
Samurai Cathy hacks at Ninja Vicki, who leaps out of the way again. The cubicle wall gets sliced in half, exposing a very confused claims adjuster sitting at his desk with his phone to his ear.
“You’re a hot mess, that’s what you are,” Samurai Cathy says as she chases Ninja Vicki down a row of cubicles. “Even your issues have issues. You’ll never be happy and you’ll die alone. Now hold still and I promise you won’t feel a thing when I cleave you in half.”
Ninja Vicki makes a sharp turn at a cubicle intersection, swings herself around on a building support column and flings herself at Samurai Cathy, landing both feet into the samurai’s chest and sending her airborne from the blow. Cathy lands hard on her back, her vision clearing just in time to see Ninja Vicki diving at her.
“Who’s a hot mess now?” Ninja Vicki howls as her sword clangs against Cathy’s. She swings again and Cathy’s sword flies from her grasp. “I’ve got a career now. I’ve got a 401k with a six percent employer contribution match. I’ve got medical, dental, and vision insurance. And I’ve got an office with a nice view. All that’s left is for me to kill you and I’ll have it all, biz-nitchy!”
Just then, Tina the Lesbian comes running into the frame. “Vicki! There’s an HR crisis!”
Ninja Vicki aims her sword at Cathy’s heart. “Tina… kinda busy here. Your HR manager will deal with it after she’s coated this office carpet with Cathy’s blood.”
“That’s the thing,” Tina says. “You’re not HR Manager anymore.”
Ninja Vicki’s head snaps up. “I’m not the what?”
Cathy takes the opportunity to kick Vicki aside and roll to her sword. But instead of continuing the fight, Cathy backs off, keeping Vicki at bay.
“I said you’re not the HR manager anymore,” Tina says to Vicki after the ninja jumps back to her feet. “Someone else took your position using Tag Larkin’s career development book.”
Ninja Vicki’s eyes dart between Cathy and the way back to her office, the conflict within giving her a facial twitch. Finally she throws down a smoke-ball and disappears from the battle, but not before angrily muttering “Mother-cock-fucker…”
At her office, Vicki kicks the closed door down, ready to skin the usurper of her position alive… until she sees who is sitting behind the desk. “You…”
“Tag Larkin will not be referred to in the second person!” Tag Larkin says, slamming his fist on the desk. “Tag Larkin just added that policy to the employee handbook.”
“I won’t let you take my position as HR director, Tag,” Ninja Vicki says, pointing her sword at Tag Larkin, unsure if the weapon will do anything to him other than sexually excite him. “I took that position from the previous person fair and square according to the rules of your book.”
Tag Larkin crosses his arms. “Did you read all of Tag Larkin’s ‘Fuck Your Career in the Face?'”
“Well… no…” Ninja Vicki says. “I kinda skimmed it.”
“Then you don’t know about defending territory,” Tag Larkin says. “This office was yours, then you went out, and then Tag Larkin took it from you. The office and your position are now Tag Larkin’s.”
“But I can fight you and retake the office, right?” says Ninja Vicki.
Tag Larkin stands up from the desk and drops his pants. “You can fight Tag Larkin. But Tag Larkin fights like a Greek God: heroically nude. That way it’s easier for Tag Larkin deliver a stinging cockwhip to you in the eye. Tag Larkin makes the serpent dance… just before it strikes!”
“Okay, okay, I’ll leave!” Ninja Vicki says, shielding her eyes. “Just put the serpent back where it belongs.”
Defeated, Ninja Vicki slouches her way toward the elevators, where Tina the Lesbian and Samurai Cathy are waiting.
“Fighting me wasn’t your plan at all, was it…” Ninja Vicki sneers at Samurai Cathy. “You were just distracting me so Tag Larkin could take my office.”
“Well, duh,” Cathy smirks. “How else do you think you got so close to killing me? I wasn’t really trying.”
Vicki points at Tina. “And you planned the whole thing.”
“You know us lesbians, how we’re devious puppetmasters,” Tina says, privately referencing how last year she had set Ninja Vicki up on a date with Tag Larkin to distract Vicki from stopping Tina from going out with Samurai Cathy in an awkward attempt to see if Cathy was into girls. “Now come on. Let’s forget this whole mess and get some drinks. Tag Larkin gave me the rest of the day off from work.”
And so Tina and Vicki went to the local bar for margaritas at 9:45, Samurai Cathy went off to find adventure some place more interesting than an office, and Tag Larkin spent the rest of the morning poking everyone’s lunches in the break room fridge with his cock in an attempt to promote team unity within the company before getting bored with his job and setting fire to his desk, which in Tag Larkin’s “Fuck Your Career in the Face” is one of the more effective ways to resign your position.